Stephenie Meyer's Illustrated Guide to Twilight. Intro and Interview with Shannon Hale

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. That’s because I was low on both time and inspiration. So much has already been said on how much this series sucks, what else can I add?

But then the cash cow abusers that are the Stephenie Meyer camp dropped a big old source of inspiration onto my lap in the form of the illustrated guide to Twilight. And it just so happens that school is winding down (both for me as a student and teacher) so I’ve got bundles of newly free time to fritter away until summer semester begins. So, I got myself a virtual copy and am prepared to rip this new addition to the franchise to shreds. Whee!!!

As always I will try to be as respectful to Ms. Meyer as a person as possible and only make comments on what she has written and said in public. I do not know her; all that I say about her in here is simply conjecture made from my personal impressions of her public persona.

Warning: this book if freaking huge and the downside of an electronic book is you cannot make easy to find annotations on the suck in glitter pens like I do with the actual books. So this will be quite the process. It may take a while

Introduction

One of the best ways things have changed is the opportunity I’ve had to get to know so many of my readers. I’m always impressed by the funny, caring, interesting people you are

Honey, nothing about this franchise can be described as funny or interesting. Unless you include the hate-dom, we’re awesome.

Interview with Shannon Hale

Intro

[W]hat question haven’t I answered at this point?

I got you a present, Steffie-Poo. Happy birthday!

I oh-so-casually suggested my “baffy” (Best-Author-Friends-Forever), Shannon Hale

 Where the fuck did the y come from? I am officially added “acronyms” to the ever growing list of things Ms. Meyer fails at.

Also, it’s a cop out to have a good friend (i.e.: a yes-woman) to interview you. 

This interview took place August 29, 2008,

Aw, dammit. So there will be no comments about what a fuck-fest the series was revealed to be when it hit a more prominent stage via the amazing animated wooden puppets Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart? I was really looking forward to seeing you try to dodge your way out of that one.

On How It All Began

The dream was very, very colorful. I don‘t know if that always comes through in the writing—that this prism effect was just so brilliant.

Here’s the news straight from the horse’s mouth: Meyer does not how to write well. 

There was this beautiful image, this boy, just glittering with light and talking to this normal girl. And the dream really was about him.

Anyone who is surprised by that last sentence please raise your right hand and head towards the nearest ER. You clearly have brain damage.

But everything…in that scene was mostly what they were actually talking about in the dream.

All talk and no action? I can’t believe it!

By the way, this is why that scene is particularly messed up: dreams are weird and very rarely coherent. In most of my dreams there is a moment where I decide to take off some rather important article of clothing and then later realize that it is not, as I previously thought, acceptable to dance topless during my best friend from seventh grade’s wedding to my former babysitter’s son. Yes, that happened. Heather and/or Tyrone, if you are reading this: Mazal Tov!

[I]t was a good story

LIES!

 When I started writing I immediately had a breakthrough: I can make it real if I write it, and it’s exactly the way I see it in my head. I didn‘t know I was able to do that.

And twice in as many pages Meyer admits she can’t write for shit.  

It’s actually long enough to be considered a book-length thing of some kind.

Book-length ≠ Book, I just want to make that clear. Especially since there is no way to quantify a "book-length." War and Peace is book-length, sure, but so is The Runaway Bunny. 

SH: So this was done in less than three months—

Gee, I never would have guessed.  

And, really, it‘s too hard to become an editor—that‘s just not a practical solution.

Yeah, that’s the spirit! If it’s hard don’t bother, you are a fabulous role model, Ms. Meyer.

P.S.: My sister is a copy-editor and has been ever since she graduated from college. You would get eaten alive. Especially considering how sloppy your book was post editing 

You know, I was going to go to law school. I knew I could do that.

Jesus Christ, lady! You don’t even know how to locate Brazil on a map. How in god’s name would you deal with being a lawyer? You know that requires stuff like research, right? You can’t just go up in court and start spewing shit about how bankers were de facto well off in the nineteen-thirties.

I was—I still am—a very practical person.

Yeah…I’m just gonna leave this here and let you guys make of it what you will.

SM: But it [writing]‘s an insanity that doesn‘t hurt anybody.

Speak for yourself. I’m still trying to get back the brain cells I lost reading Breaking Dawn.

On the Writing Process 

SH: I think you must write much better first drafts than I do.

SM: I doubt that.

SH: Really? Are they pretty bad?

Shannon, sweetie, the final draft is a loaded pile of stinking horse shit. I’m going to hazard a guess that unless Twilight is edited by a group of hamster on LSD, the first draft was more than “pretty bad.”

By the way, how much would it explain if Twilight was edited by tripped out rodents? 

I tend to use the same words a lot, and I have to consciously go back and take out things like that. And I don‘t always get them.

“I am chagrined to hear that,” Zoë muttered and murmured with a frown as she glowered at the PDF document.

And I cannot read a page of anything I‘ve written without making five changes—that‘s my average.

Only five? Seriously? I average that many edits per paragraph. God, this explains almost as much as the LSD hamsters.

By the way on page 14 (ish, I’m not sure how accurate my page counter is) is some really interesting stuff how Meyer wishes she could have rewritten parts of Twilight.

So it [deciding to publish Twilight] was the combination of thinking, I finished this! and [my sister] Emily saying, ―Well, you have to try and publish it. You have to do it.

If you don’t know by now, Meyer named the werewolf characters after family members. Including Jacob. Try not to think about that one too hard. And I always knew there was a reason I disliked Emily. I mean, other than the obvious boyfriend-stealing-bitch-who-actually-has-the-nerve-to-rub-salt into-her-cousin’s-wounds-by-asking-her-to-be-a-bridesmaid thing. It’s because it’s her fault that this horse crap was released upon the world!

I didn’t know writers had agents

You managed to get a BA in English without learning this?

I didn‘t take creative-writing classes [in college]

The more I read of this interview the more everything makes sense 

With every book, I always see the part that I think people are going to get mad about, or the part that‘s going to get mocked. With Twilight, I thought: Oh gosh. People are just going to rip me apart for this

Such insight

But there are going to be people who really dislike things that are very personal to me, and I‘m just going to have to take it.

Or you know, hide behind your brother and refuse to listen to criticism because like he said “it would be ignorant to believe that criticism of any kind does not hurt the person to whom it is directed”

 But I just can‘t change what happens [in the story while I edit]

Yes, yes you can. That is what being an author is. These people are not real. You do not have to make a teenager fall in love with a baby. Twice.

On Characters Coming to Life

SH: So how much did you know about Jacob and his future when you were writing Twilight? ...

[SM:] I thought: Oh, that’s interesting. There’s a real dense and different kind of history there [in Quilette lore].

Yeah, a real dense and different kind of history that you twisted to fit into your story…

And so I knew that the sequel I had already started on would be about finding out that they were werewolves. And it wasn‘t New Moon—it was much closer to Breaking Dawn. Because the story had originally skipped beyond high school fairly quickly. But my editor said: ―Well, I‘d like to keep the story in high school, because we are marketing the first book this way. And I just feel like there‘s so much that must have happened that we miss if we just skip to Bella being a grown-up.

Wait, post high school is grown-up territory? Aw shit, my sister’s graduating on Thursday. I don’t think I can handle letting her and her friends being grownups. Nor can the rest of the world.

Jacob‘s character also became an answer to the deficiencies in Edward—because

Edward‘s not perfect.

I find it hard to believe that you believe that

Here you have Edward, someone who overthinks [sic] everything…there‘s so much angst

Okay, who is this woman and where did she get this self-awareness from?

Romance and relationships are a tangle, and this messy thing

Yes, they are. But you didn’t convey that. The end of Breaking Dawn was less of a tangle and more of a shiny if incestuous bow.

[B]ecause you have to make it suspenseful; there has to be conflict—

Yes, that is correct. This is why your books suck.

and there has to be, hopefully, some mystery about where it‘s going to go.

Another true fact and reason Twilight sucks. Everyone with half a brain knew that Bella would end up vamped and live happily ever after with Edward without having to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise.

On Endings and Inevitability

It‘s only a matter of time before Bella bleeds near Jasper, and then the outcome is inevitable.

Actually it’s only a matter of time before anyone bleeds in front of Jasper, because Bella isn’t the only person in the universe capable of getting a paper cut. Of course, Bella is the only person whose life is worth saving should she bleed in front of Jasper.

Also, knowing that it was only a matter of time before Bella, whose chief “flaw” is “clumsy,” bled in front of Jasper, why was she allowed near Jasper in the first place? In Eclipse, when Edward wouldn’t let Bella go near the werewolves because he’s jealous and insecure he’s worried about her safety, why was did he allow her to go near Jasper?

Let’s think this one through. If Bella bleeds near Jasper not only does her go completely berserk, but the rest of the vamps (other than Carlisle and possibly Perfect Edward) have to struggle with the desire to kill her. But, if one werewolf loses control, the rest of the werewolves would probably be calm and able to morph and subdue him.

Whoops, silly me! What was I doing inserting logic into this series?

I see the first-person perspective from more than one person‘s perspective…Sometimes it‘s hard for me to write from Bella‘s perspective only, because Bella can only know certain things.

Yes, and this leads to you constantly cheating the narration by having Bella randomly assume things that no one would assume. Like the ink blots on the letter from Jacob wrote in the beginning of Eclipse were caused, not from a leaky pen, but him breaking the pen in frustration. Or furthermore, her being able to read the crossed out parts of that letter!

I knew it was going to be a problem if Edward took off. [Laughs] I mean, even though

Twilight had not come out yet, I was aware enough at this point that this is not the way you write a romance.

But having your romantic lead stalk, control, manipulate, kidnap and emotionally abuse your heroine is the way to write a romance? Having your secondary romantic lead sexually assault your protagonist is romantic? Please, you wouldn’t know a good romance if Humphrey Bogart himself rose from the grave to bitch slap you with the script of Casablanca.

You don‘t take the main character away—you don‘t take the guy away.

I thought Bella was the main character? Also, read that script of Casablanca that Bogie bitch slapped you with. The hero doesn’t always have to get the girl in order for it to be a good romance. Yes, I know that in Casablanca it’s Ilsa that leaves, not Rick. But Rick is the one who tells her to leave and so I say it counts.

But because of who he is, he had to leave—and because of the weakness that he has, he was going to come back.

Wait, what weakness is that? Is Smeyer actually saying that Eddiekins isn’t perfect? Oh, by weakness you mean “weakness” i.e.: he loves Bella too much.

He‘s such a pessimist—oh my gosh, Edward‘s a pessimist.

You say “pessimist,” I say “whiny, little emo.”

That‘s one of the biggest changes in Breaking Dawn, that Edward becomes an optimist. So many things have lined up in his favor that he can no longer deny the fact that some good will happen to him in his life.

Yeah, that’s what happens when you have an author who is physically unable to make her characters go through any real pain or sacrifice anything.

If he hadn‘t tried to save Bella by leaving, then he would not have been a good person

But when he stalked her in Twilight that was the doing of a good person? When he murdered who knows how many people he was being a good person?

I just want to add here that throughout this interview Shannon Hale has been name dropping her own books. Clearly she is hoping some Twilight fans will rush out to buy her books. Personally, it is causing me to never, ever want to read anything by her.

On Criticism

Oh, this should be good…

[Y]ou can‘t say: ―Well, there‘s something wrong if this book didn‘t mean the same thing to everyone who read it.‖

But you can say there’s something wrong with the book if it promotes stalking, emotional manipulation and abuse and pedophilia.

The book shouldn’t make sense to some people, because we‘re all different.

Ah, that makes sense. Because for some people the Great Depression didn’t affect bankers and Brazil has a west coast, while the rest of us live in a world where we stayed awake during US history and fourth grade geography.

There are only twenty people who are going to get it [Breaking Dawn].

Really, that many?

I think it‘s a weird expectation that if a story is told really well, everybody, therefore, will have to appreciate it.

Well, not everybody, but many people. However, you are living proof that a lot of people will love a story that was written really, really badly. She’s blaming her readers here for her own deficiencies as an author.

What the fuck is she talking about claiming her story was “told really well.” The Great Gatsby is a well written story. To Kill a Mockingbird is a well written story. And while not every person in the world loves those books,* almost everyone can appreciate them as well written and important pieces of literature.

*My boyfriend hated Gatsby. I don’t know how I managed to look past that and fall in love with him despite his opinion on my favorite book ever.

When I read a criticism, I immediately take it to heart and say: ―Oh my gosh—maybe I should have done that! Oh, I do do this wrong! I question myself very easily. I don‘t question the characters, which is why I‘m able to maintain my voice when I write—because that, to me, is the one thing that‘s rock-solid. It doesn‘t matter what my doubts are—they are who they are. And that‘s a good thing.

No, no it’s not. What you are saying here is you just shake off criticism and don’t listen to it. You don’t take it into account and alter your writing in order to improve. But that is what criticism is for! No one’s writing is perfect, every story could be improved (even The Great Gatsby could do with the elimination of some of Tom’s more bigoted remarks). So don’t just say, “oh, but that’s the way the story goes!” and refuse to let yourself improve.

Especially when who your characters are- a bland, co-dependent, feminist’s nightmare with a raging Electra complex, an emotionally abusive, manipulative stalker and pedophile/sexual assaulter- is so inherently not good.

But if you kill off your characters—even minor characters—you still sob for everything that they were and could have been.

That is not a bad thing though. Would the death of Cedric Diggory have been nearly as potent if he hadn’t been a young man who had barely begun to live? Would Sirius Black’s death have cut so hard if it weren’t for the fact that with him, our hero lost the only father figure he had ever known? Losing Tonks and Remus was so painful because they had a young child who, like Harry, would now grow up never knowing his parents. But that pain, and trust me I sobbed like hell for all those deaths, is what makes a good story. Good stories make us feel real emotions- including pain and loss. 

Whereas the only feeling I got from Twilight was nausea.

You want to talk minor characters? When we saw Oliver Wood and Neville Longbottom bringing Colin Creevey’s body into the Great Hall, I felt like I was punched in the gut. That is a good feeling to invoke in a reader.

SH: In the book I‘m writing right now, there is a death—a major death. And every time I do a rewrite, as I get near that scene, and I know I have to face it again, my stomach just clenches and I get sick with dread. And as I go through that scene, I‘m sobbing the entire time. It is not easy….

SM: No. When you know in advance that you‘re going to put yourself through that, it gives you some pause.

What the fuck are you talking about Smeyer, you didn’t kill anyone! Oh right, Bree Tanner and Irina. Those don’t count. No one gave a shit about them. 

On Breaking Dawn

This outta be good.

SH: Your books are romance, but there‘s also this real, wonderful undercurrent of horror that‘s different from any kind of horror I‘ve read.

That’s because it’s not horror. It’s gratuitous gore. There’s nothing scary about it other than the fact that it got published.

We live in a time where having a baby is not much more dangerous than giving blood.

Tell that to my mother who started hemorrhaging while in labor with my sister eighteen years ago and ended up needing a hysterectomy.

In case you are new, you should know that Meyer doesn’t believe in research, otherwise she’d know that women’s death in childbirth has actually risen in the past three decades in first world countries.

And so this was kind of a flashback to a time when that‘s what every woman went through. Not that they got ripped apart, but they had no guarantees about whether they were going to live through it or not

Wait, was there supposed to be doubt that Smeyer’s Mary Sue Self-Insert would survive the birth when she had already outlined how Edward would turn her immediately after the baby was out?

And Bella‘s pregnancy and childbirth, to me, were a way to kind of explore that concept of what childbirth used to be.

I am willing to bet eight trillion dollars that she made that up on the spot to make herself sound deep.

My agent and my editor and my publisher all said: ―Um, can we tone down the violence here? It‘s making me a little sick.‖ [Laughs]

Hahahaha! People who know more about the field than I do told me that my stuff was bad and I didn’t listen to them! Isn’t that hilarious? I mean, people actually thought that I wasn’t the best writer in the history of the world!

I wonder if it would have been an easier road for readers who have difficulties with Breaking Dawn if they‘d known more in advance. If people had asked me, ―Can vampires have babies with humans? And, instead of saying, ―I can‘t answer questions about those crazy things that might or might not happen—which is what I said because I didn‘t want to make it super-obvious it was going to happen;

You are a lying liar who lies. You flat out said “no.” So you’re not just a liar, you are a liar who lies about being a liar!

My scientific reasoning works for me

Yeah, because science is subjective

Vampires cannot have babies… because vampires aren‘t real. [Laughs] And vampires can‘t have babies with humans, because humans can‘t actually copulate with vampires—because vampires are not real. [SH laughs] It‘s a fantasy.

No one is talking about how Nessie can’t exist because it’s impossible by the laws of the real world i.e.: vampires don’t exist. We are annoyed by the fact that it contradicts the laws of YOUR world. And the fact that you attempted to use science to explain it and screwed up royally.

I will try to use small words so you can understand. You made rules for your universe and once you make those rules you must be consistent. This is true for any fictional work. You can make exceptions to the rules, but you have to explain them.

You made rules to your universe. One of them was that all the fluid in vampires’ systems is venomous and can turn humans into vampires. Edward fathered a child. Therefore he had to have ejaculated into Bella. But because his fluids are venomous the act of ejaculation should have turned Bella into a vampire.

So let’s say the argument is that Edward’s sperm did not turn with the rest of his fluids. Well then it should be human sperm. Because your world takes place in this world, the reader should assume that all things that are true in this world are true in yours. You know, like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, The Great Depression causing banks to fail and other basic facts. A human sperm has to remain at a certain temperature to survive, specifically body temperature. Edward has repeatedly been said to be cold. Therefore if his sperm was human it should have died nine decades ago.

See Meyer, had you just said that it works because it works we’d more or less accept it. But don’t bring science into it unless you can back it up.

Now we get into talk about how Bella is the bestest vampire in the history of the world because she chose vampirism and chose to be vegetarian. By that logic once a vamp chooses to be a vegetarian the cravings should stop. But the whole plot of New Moon hinges on that not being true.

What is it about this story [Breaking Dawn] that made you happy?

SM: Well, it goes back to what we were talking about before, about Edward.

Well that’s telling isn’t it? Bella gets to have sex with Edward. Bella is Smeyer’s author avatar. Therefore, Smeyer gets to have sex with Edward. And thus BD is makes her happy.

SM: You know, all that really changes is his outlook—which, of course, changed everything. But who he is, what he loves, how he does things—it all stays the same.

Here we have it, straight from the horse’s mouth: Edward goes through no personal growth throughout four “novels.”

On Literary Inspirations

SH: So when you were writing, you‘d have a literary classic that helps inspire your books. With Breaking Dawn you said it was A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and you couldn‘t say the second one.

SM: Merchant of Venice—which I do say in the story. You know… [SH gasps] It‘s the book Alice pulls a page from to leave her message for Bella.

SH: I wondered about that.

Jesus Christ, I didn’t think it was possible to be dumber than Stephenie Meyer but Shannon Hale accomplished it. It’s not like Meyer quotes it or anything. This is the passage from page 558 of the hardback edition:

It was a page out of a printed book; my sharp eyes read the printed words as Carlisle unfolded it to see the other side. The side facing me was the copyright page from The Merchant of Venice.

We all know Smeyer is as subtle as a shirtless Eddikins standing in direct sunlight, clearly if she mentions a book it’s going to be ~*~symbolic~*~

The real story that I felt tied to was A Midsummer Night’s Dream, where, in this lovely fantasy, the heartbreak of people not loving the right people—which happens all the time—is made right in this glittery instant of fairy dust.

And here we are given proof that imprinting has no real groundings of love.

I love that book

A Midsummer Night’s Dream is a play, not a book you fucking moron.

That really is sort of where the imprinting idea came from,

Again, imprinting is magic tra-la-la dust that has no grounds in emotions at all.

So here‘s where The Merchant of Venice comes in. The third book of Breaking Dawn— which is a full half of the novel—was a lot longer than I thought it would end up being. And the whole time I had to have tension building to the final confrontation…but I wanted to give the clue that this was not going to be a physical confrontation.

Okay, I know that Meyer sucks at subtlety but here is a very, very rare example of her being too subtle. Seriously, we were supposed to realize you’d cop out because you make a blink-and-you-miss-it mention of a play that has no similarities to your book at all?

So it‘s a mental battle to survive, and it‘s all about figuring out the right way to word something. Figuring out the right proof to introduce at exactly the right time, so that you can force someone into conceding—just trapping them in their own words.

Really? Because I’m pretty sure that Edward giving Aro a high five would have ended it. Aro’s the one who touches you and knows every thought you’ve ever had, right?

Also to go back to Merchant of Venice- I hate this play. It is as anti-Semitic as Taming of the Shrew is misogynistic. There’s the “pound of flesh” and it’s connotations of the blood libel.  And in the end the Jewish moneylender is forced to convert to Christianity or else risk losing everything he owns, including possibly his life. When he converts he only loses half of his possessions. That’s the happy ending.

I’m just going to mention that Mormons have a long history of converting Jews without their consent (or knowledge in many cases). Not going to comment on it, just going to leave it there.

SH: Because in The Merchant of Venice, Portia stayed with her beloved by being clever.

SM: Exactly.

Do you want to know what else happens in Merchant? Not that.

If  Portia didn’t intervene through legal means she would have still been able to remain married to Bassanio. All that would have happened is that Antonio (not Bassanio) would have to give Shylock a pound of his flesh. Portia and Bassanio’s marriage was never under any question.

SM: And in the end of The Merchant of Venice, all the lovers get their happy ending.

That‘s one of the reasons I like it. [Laughs]

This is so very telling. It’s like, you have got to be fucking kidding me. So, she doesn’t care that the play is downright disturbing towards Jews so long as the lovers get a happy ending.

I didn’t think it possible to hate Meyer more, but reading that just did it.

Can you tell I like the lighter side of Shakespeare?

Yeah, blood libels and forced conversions are a real hoot!

Now there’s a long part where Meyer and Hale piss on the graves of Charlotte Brontë and Lucy Maud Montgomery. There’s nothing worth commenting on, just that Meyer is filled with self-importance.   

SM: You know, I think… maybe readers who aren‘t writers might look at something like that—using inspiration from other books—as kind of a form of plagiarism.

Nobody thinks that.

But, actually, the more you get into writing, I think you realize that there is no new story.

She goes on about this point while Hale salivates with agreement. By the way she goes on about it, it’s like it’s so deep and profound and Hale’s reactions are like Meyer’s a fucking genius to come up with such and original concept.

Meyer, this is about as original a concept as a high school English paper on Shakespeare’s misogyny.

And then Meyer says something about how because Bella’s a brunette she can’t be a blonde or a redhead and Hale literally says “I’ve got chills.”

On Eclipse

New Moon had those two spoilers. Edward leaves, Jacob‘s a werewolf. Once you know that, most of the suspense is gone from the book.

Edward leaves in one of the first chapters and you foreshadow rather obviously that Jacob is a werewolf in the first book.

Also- those shouldn’t be the only suspenses. Good storytelling is not about the resolution; it’s about how the resolution was achieved. Everyone knew that in the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Voldemort would be defeated. But the question was how he was going to be defeated.

And it bothers me when people say: Well, this story is preaching this, or the moral is this. Because it‘s just a story.

And stories have been influencing the world for millennia. When you said that Bella’s pregnancy was “not a choice but a necessity” you made a statement, whether you intended to or not, by talking about abortion and using the name of one of the sides- “choice.” You could have worded it differently, but you didn’t.

SM: Sometimes people tell me: ―So girls are coming away from your books with this fill-in-the-blank impression.‖ Maybe something like: ―You should hold out for the perfect gentleman. In which case I could say, ―Well, that‘s a positive message:

Say what now? You should hold out for the perfect man? Is Meyer hoping to raise a generation of crazy cat ladies who never found love due to having impossibly high standards? News flash Steffalopagus: there’s no such thing as Prince Charming. Even Kate Middleton’s husband has a bald spot at twenty-eight.

SH: On the flip side, if someone comes away thinking that the moral of the story of New Moon is that there‘s only one person who‘s right for you in the whole world, and if they leave you, then life is not worth living…

SM: Exactly!

I want to state for the record that right here they are talking about how this is only how Bella is, not how every girl should be. But be that as it may, Meyer can never, ever, ever claim that she’s a feminist because her female character’s life was not worth living when her boyfriend left her.

I could just vomit right now.

On Finding Story Ideas

The longest part of writing Breaking Dawn was writing right after all the action sequences.

What action sequences?

There are just some things that are not exciting, but I like to write minute by minute. And when I have to write, ―And then three months passed, it kills me.

So you use blank pages and hundreds of pages filled with pointless minutiae. 

On Reading and Writing for Young Adults

Just reading the title of this section gave me a lovely flashback to one of my favorite author interviews of all time- Libba Bray being interviewed by Maureen Johnson. If anyone out there hasn’t read Libba’s Gemma Doyle trilogy yet you must. It is the antithesis of Twilight- strong female protagonist, compelling forbidden romance, huge focus on the importance of female friendship, feminist themes, Gothic fantasy elements. It’s wonderful.

Anyway, in this interview Libba talks about how great having a young adult audience is starts at 5:45

 but you should watch the whole thing because it is hilarious.

SH: But young-adult authors tend to be pretty down-to-earth, don‘t you think?

SM: Well, I think writing YA keeps you humble.

Seriously, that is actually what she said. In case you weren’t sure before- Bella’s complete lack of self-awareness is one of the many ways she is a younger, slimmer version of Stephenie Meyer*

In case YOU are unsure whether you are down-to-earth, let me ask you a few questions:

1)      Have you ever compared your fictional male character against famous literary romantic leads such as Romeo, Mr. Rochester and Mr. Darcy and find that yours’ is better?

2)      Have you ever criticized a satirical novel like The Princess Bride for being anti-feminist while praising your own heroine whom you have now been documented as saying had no reason to live after her boyfriend dumped her?

3)      Have you ever stated emphatically that a classic novel like Wuthering Heights “sucks” because of Heathcliff and Cathy’s obsessive form of love while praising that exact same form of love for four novels?

If you answered “yes” to the above questions, than congratulations! You are a self-important asshole!

* I don’t hold Meyer’s weight against her. But we all know that Twilight is Meyer’s form of wish fulfillment. Bella calls herself “slender” and flat out states at one point she is one hundred and ten pounds. It’d be ignorant to claim that Bella’s body type is not one of the factors of Meyer’s wish fulfillment.

And one of the little ―icing things of this career is to have these kids come up to tell me that this is the first book they‘ve ever read for pleasure.

I weep for those girls.

SH: We‘ve both written adult books.

What are these shenanigans?

SH: books. I think, when you‘re in the adult market, it‘s all about how many books you sell and what awards you get. But when you‘re writing in the children‘s market, it‘s about the children, too.

Firstly, children’s books and young adult books are not the same thing. Super-Fudge is a children’s book. The Ramona stories are children’s books. Sarah Dessen’s books are young adult books, the Gemma Doyle trilogy is for young adults. Because they deal with more adult concepts. Super-Fudge and Ramona, while awesome books, are about adorable precociousness. Dessen has written about parental death, abuse and rape. The Gemma Doyle books deal with issues like child molestation, class barriers and coming to terms with your sexuality.

Secondly, are you actually saying that the “adult market” (a very wide net that includes everything from pot-boiler romance novels to classics to academic works) don’t care about their audience? I highly doubt that’s true.

You‘re promoting literacy and some good stuff beyond just: I’m writing a book, and now pay me for it.

Meyer, if you didn’t care about money above everything else, Breaking Dawn would be only one movie because as it stands there is barely enough plot for a seven minute trailer- even with the gratuitous shots of Lautner’s abs.

SM: Because I didn‘t set out to write for children, I would never have thought that my books would promote literacy.

If your books promoted literacy you would know the meaning of the word “nattering.”

Someone would have to be a real reader to ever pick one of these up, just because they‘ve run out of everything else.

I’m not entirely sure what this means, but I think she’s saying that her books are so bad that the only reason anyone would actually read them is because they have read every other book ever written. In which case: Brava, Ms. Meyer, you’ve gained some self awareness.

And I have FINALLY finished the interview. I will do my best to get to the meat of the book as soon as possible. Starting with the first entry: Vampires.

Wish me luck.