Breaking Dawn Part One Movie Snarking- Part 1

I found a pirated copy of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part One: The Rise of the Anti-Choice Pedophiles. Always strangely fascinated and not at all strangely disgusted by the “worldwide phenomena” I checked my firewall and clicked away.

           

I feel I should note, I’m one of what I have been led to be is a strange breed who doesn’t like watching pirated videos online. Whenever possible, I watch on Hulu or through the shows website because I feel guilty for stealing. I’m a snarker with a conscience. It is a sign of how much I detest this series that I actually get a sick glee out of stealing from it and actively searched for the movie on my day off. Also, I need to be able to pause to roll m eyes.

So I started to watch. As more of the movie went on, it occurred to me that I wanted to write down my head-snark and do a play by play. But I didn’t much want to rewatch all of the movie I’d already watched. That’s when I realized, I was less than four minutes in. I should have taken that as an ominous sign.

Note: I’m going to do this in ten to fifteen minute increments.

00:10- Bella narrates a quote about how childhood is forever. So that’s why Bella can be both lauded as super mature and also behave like a whiney little brat. Also, this almost feels like justification for all the forty year old women in the audience.

00:28- Quotes ends, no citation. Edna St. Vincent Millay should sue, dead or not.

00:32- Jacob loses his shirt. Yea, work that money maker!

00:52- Jacob is angry because he just received Bella and Edward’s wedding invitation. Was it news to him that they were getting hitched?

01:11- It might be. Apparently Bella informed her own mother of her decision to become a teen bride by mailing her an invitation. You can’t buy that kind of class.

01:20- But I’ll tell you what you can buy: $1,295 Manolo Blahnik white stilettos to be worn for your outdoor, garden wedding in the rainiest place in the continental US.

01:33- Bella can’t walk in the four and a quarter inch stilettos, despite three days of practice (amateur). So she asks if she can go barefoot. Alice almost has a coronary at the thought. Apparently no one ever told them about flats or wedges, both lovely and practical!

01:45- Bella thinks everything Alice is doing for the wedding (including the reconstruction of the Olympic Forest) is a bit much. Alice disagrees. Oh well, you know what they say about future fake sister-in-laws and weddings: it is their day to shine and everyone, including the bride, should be making sure it goes just as she’s always dreamed it would.

01:53- Apparently Rosalie doesn’t have the “vision” to see the clearly designated aisle directly behind her. Is this supposed to be a crack about Alice’s visions?

It's right behind you, you dolt

02:01- Bella nearly falls over trying to put on her Chucks. Really, we are trusting this oaf with thirteen hundred dollar Manolos?

02:06- Bella catches sight of Edward brooding on a balcony. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see Alice’s head explode when she finds out Bella saw Edward less than 24 hours before the wedding. Instead, Alice orders her to go home and sleep. Worst. Maid-of-Honor. Ever. If I’m not snorting coke of a stripper’s rock hard ass the night before my wedding day, something has clearly gone terribly wrong in my life.

02:33- Alice picks up the thirteen hundred dollar Manolos that were just left on the deck floor like a sandy pair of flip flops and smiles at her creation of a boost in today’s troubled celebrity bridal knock-off economy.

02:37- Bella prepares herself for bed the night before her wedding night. It strikes me that she is moving from being entirely supported from her parents to being completely supported by her husband with only a brief foray into an afterschool job to show for her independence. It makes me sad that we are promoting a woman who stubbornly refuses to have an independent adult life.

03:01- Bella smiles to herself as she turns around to find that an old man crept in through her bedroom window. No, that will never stop being creepy.

03:15- Edward is checking for cold feet. Bella says hers are toasty warm and it is a testament to how little esteem I have for this franchise that I was surprised Edward didn’t state to fellate her toes.

03:19- Edward, ever bipolar, seems to be having second thoughts. Gee, shouldn’t you have thought about that before you emotionally manipulated her into marrying you in the first place?

03:27- Ed’s been waiting one hundred years to marry her. Gee, I guess that really puts Jacob’s seven year jailbait wait in perspective.

03:29- Instead of asking why Edward didn’t go to Woodstock because he was too busy waiting for her to be born, Bell swoons.

03:33- There is a but to this, isn’t there?

03:35- Yep, called it. Edward hasn’t told her everything about himself. I guess how I can see him being a murderer slipped his mind in lieu of having to remind her to breathe and not play in traffic. Also, they spend a lot of time staring deeply into each other’s eyes.

03:37- “What, you aren’t a virgin?” Bella jokes. Bella, sweetness, it is my experience that while one should be careful of men who lie about their sexual histories in order to get laid, you should be even more careful of marrying men who lie about their sexual histories in order to avoid getting laid.

It’s odd that Movie Bella is totally cool in this discussion. Book Bella would already be in tears because she thinks Edward’s about to call of the wedding so he can go shack up with that blonde slut Irina.

03:47- Edward sighs, paces and spit it out you asshole!

03:51- Bella, “You can’t scare me away now.” That is so true. After sneaking into her home to watch her sleep, abandoning her in the woods after dumping her, breaking into her house to steal her stuff, taking the engine of the car and having her kidnapped, a little thing like murder isn’t going to affect their relationship very much.

03:56- The music of impending flashbacks starts up. Edward tells us this happened a few years after he was turned.

04:08- Edward is watching a black and white movie, where a woman screams. I can’t place the movie but I’m wondering the definition of “a few years” is, because the fact that the woman is screaming puts this over a decade after Edward’s turn.

04:23- Edward looks at the back of a man’s head and nods grimly.

04:46- Post-movie, Edward eats that man before he can creepily follow a woman down an alley. Sorry unnamed dude, come back when you can brood sexily.

05:08- We pan over to Edward who says the he was a monster. He broods with blood applied ever so artfully on his lips. 

I R Monster

05:09- The picture goes back to what these movies call full color. Oh wait, that’s not blood, just his lipstick.

So sexy

05:13- Bella reasons that this was okay behavior because those people were murders (note: not what Edward said). Because isn’t it awesome that Edward circumvented the justice system in order to act as judge, jury and executioner based on a person’s thoughts?

05:20- Bella reasons that he probably saved more lives than he took. Depending on what makes the cut for part two, I may bring back up this “killing murderers is good” thing in re: lending cars to other vampires so they can eat humans. Oh wait, I don’t need to. The Volturi. Vigilante justice is great for brooding Byronic back stories but in the present day, feel free to sit back and caress your ex while the dulcet tones of forty people being murdered plays from the next room.

05:25- Edward says that they were still human beings. I guess those people in Volturra were just very sophisticated androids.

05:35- Bella considers this and in typical fashion makes it all about her as she realizes that when she turns she too will be capable of killing people. She also wonders why he took so long to tell her. No wait, why he is telling her this tonight, which is not the same thing. My bad.

05:40- She wonders how he could possibly think that learning he is a murderer would change her mind about wanting to become a sparkly vampire.

05:45- Edward just wondered if it would change her mind about herself. What does that even mean? Who will she want to see when she looks in the mirror a year from now? I actually have that answer, straight from the book. “I guess my brain will never work right. At least I'm pretty”

05:55- Bella tells him she knows she’s a Mary Sue who will be the bestest vampire ever. Actually, she thinks that it is because he did it. Were you not paying attention? No he didn’t! He killed people. Or does “this” mean, “become sparkly?”

06:01- Bella thinks Edward should give himself some credit for only killing some people and not all people. Or something like that.

06:08- Bella hopes a year from now she’ll look in the mirror and see someone like him. I think that means “pretty and sparkly.” But she thinks it means someone who is courageous, capable of sacrifice and love. I don’t know who she thinks she’s looking at, but it ain’t Edward.

06:16- They smooch but just as Edward makes an ass grab they are sounds outside her window. It is Jasper and Emmett who are impatient to start the bachelor party.

She looks like she's about to return the favor

06:27- Emmett swoops up to hover in the open window. Dude, that is so rude. Only Edward is allowed to do that. He warns in the creepiest manner possible that if she doesn’t let him eat they will grab him from her.

06:33- Bella worries there will be strippers at the bachelor party. There’s the Bella I know and detest! But don’t fret; it’ll just be him eating mountain lions and bears. Personally, I’d prefer strippers.

06:44- Jasper tells Bella not to worry, he’ll be back soon. He has changed his hair, I approve.

06:56- Before Edward leaves, the sad music plays and he turns around to gaze at her. He tells her he’ll meet her at the altar. Bella looks unsettled at the thought.

Are you sure we can't just premarital boink?

07:29- Bella goes to bed, because she is lame.

07:54- Those gorgeous Manolos are walking over rose petals. They are walking very steadily, so we know this is a dream sequence.

07:57- Apparently, at Bella’s dream wedding everyone wears white, because she is tacky.

So very tacky

07:59- Even in her dreams Bella looks unhappy. Also, she’s wearing a strapless dress, immodest sacrilege!

08:00- Her friends look happy for her, even Mike. Now I know this is a dream. Anna Kendrick though looks chagrined that she is still contractedly obligated to be in these crappy films, even though she freaking got nominated for an Oscar.  

08:06- Charlie, who is in the seats and not walking her down the aisle, looks unhappy that his teenage daughter is throwing her life away. This is why I love him the most.

I still don't believe you aren't knocked up

08:23- Bella reaches Edward and they turn around to see that the Volturi will be officiating the ceremony. See, this is why you always call and confirm your bookings.

08:28- Bella turns around in horror and sees that none of her guests cared enough to sit through the ceremony.

08:32- No wait, there is a puddle of red rose petals and blood at her feet, and some got on Edward’s white jacket. Good, white suits are ugly. Also, his lipstick is smeared.

Stay away from cheap beauty products, guy.

08:38- Bella looks into Edward’s eyes, seemingly aroused. No wait; there is blood on her hands. The camera pans out and we see that they are the bride and groom toppers on a dead body wedding cake. That’s just awesome.

Note: In the books this scene is Meyer sucking at foreshadowing as Bella dreams of a vampire baby.

08:58- Alice reprimands Bella about not sleeping because now she has to cover up the bags. Seriously, she’s the worst maid of honor ever. Bella apologizes instead of telling Alice to shut up and be happy for her because it’s her wedding day.

09:07- Rosalie enters in a purple silk robe and offers to do her hair. I hope that she will lob it all off. Bella is shocked at this proposition.

09:18- Rosalie tells her that she’s not offended by her choice of girl. Bella fills in that it is her blatant lack of respect for mortality. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Rosalie tells her that she’s essentially correct.

09:29- Alice insists on being that annoying bridesmaid who only speaks in platitudes as she hugs Rosalie and gushes how weddings bring everyone together.

09:32- Outside, Renee and Charlie laugh at a piece of modern art that is all graduation caps. Wow, the Cullens suck at subtlety. Renee says its creative, Charlie says it’s weird. I love you Charlie, don’t ever change.

09:48- There is a mother-daughter moment at Bella’s bridal beauty.

10:03- Renee invites Charlie into the room, but he seems scared to enter the estrogen harem.

10:11- He ignores Bella’s hair and makeup and instead remarks on how hot he looks in his tux. God, I love him.

10:18- Bella’s parents give her a hair comb that they say is both old and blue, despite that I can’t see any blue in the shot. Apparently Bella’s grandmother was loaded and had a massive diamond hair comb. I’m totally disappointed that Alice doesn’t kvetch about how she now will have to redo Bella’s hair. Instead she just sticks it in.

10:38- Renee cries and says its Bella’s first family heirloom that she will pass on to her daughter and granddaughter. Bella looks mildly guilty because she doesn’t realize that Meyer will contort all laws of good writing and logic to give Bella the perfect Mary Sue ending.

10:49- Alice won’t let Bella hug her mother, less she smudge her makeup. Two words: waterproof mascara.

10:55- Kristen Stewart does her patented awkward hair touch, and yet Alice doesn’t rip her arm out of her socket so she doesn’t muss her do.

11:02- Time for the dress. Renee gasps and clasps her hands. Bella looks concerned and constipated.

And with that, I leave you. Up next: the wedding!

Eclipse Chapter Two: Evasion

 In this chapter we have Bella being dumb enough to believe someone when they say a big important even is not about her, Edward’s controlling of Bella extending across the country, an Edward/Jacob standoff and the boys of Forks High School proving they are just as big misogynistic assholes as the supernatural boys. Let’s begin at the beginning

Bella's Electra Complex

I am taking a childhood development class this summer and we were talking in the last lecture about authority and discipline, how to exert it and when it is being done to a reasonable and effective degree and when it is being abused. I was typing up my notes last night and it got me thinking about Bella and Edward, mostly about the differences between parental authority and love and romantic authority and love and how the biggest difference is the balance of power, why it exists, why it is important and how it is exerted as well as the level of dependency

In the ideal model of a parental relationship the balance of power is unequal. The parent is both a caregiver and an authority figure. The reason for the former is obvious. When a child is born they are wholly dependent on their parents. They rely on their parents to provide them with nourishment, safety, care when they are sick and perhaps the most overarching, love. They can’t even control their bowel movements. This is an exceedingly important stage of development that affects a child’s entire outlook on life and their behavior well into adulthood. This stage of life was defined by Eric Erikson as trust vs. mistrust.

This balance of power continues as the child gets older. The parent must protect their offspring. When the child reached adolescence they start to question and rebel against that authority. Because of the balance of power is uneven, the parent is the one who decides whether this is warranted and must discipline their child when they go against them. This societal principle is not questioned because it is assumed the parent knows more than the child as well as knowing their child on an intimate level and knowing what they can and can’t handle, what limits they will push and which limits should not be pushed. For instance, a parent may make an executive decision that their child can stay out until eleven o’clock at night because they know their child is trustworthy and will not abuse that trust. On the other hand, they may decide to veto that child’s request for a motorcycle because their job has caused them to see many, many children be injured or killed in motorcycle accidents. These rulings are more or less law in their house and not to be questioned or broken (i.e.: “As long as you live in my house you will live by rules” or “I am your mother and I make the rules. If you don’t like them, that’s too bad.”).

Again, the reason for this relationship model is based on the fact that the parent knows best. Another significant reason for it is that they are intrinsically responsible for their children. Kids make dumb choices and when they do it is their parents’ who will have to bail them out. It is for these reasons that a parent is not only allowed but required to discipline their child when they act out. You broke curfew? You lose car privileges. You were caught drinking? You’re grounded, end of story. You went to Italy for three days without telling anyone? Like hell are you leaving the house for the next six months (although to be honest if I did shit like that I’d probably be shipped off to a Swiss convent).

When it comes to romantic love the balance of power is or should be equal. Each partner is or should be allowed to make their own choices and decisions. If the other partner disagrees they can express their concerns to them and try to dissuade them, but ultimately they need to realize that they can make their own decisions. The only exception to this is when their partner is trying to do something criminal or extremely dangerous.

Fans of Twilight like to claim that Edward knows better than Bella and as such his levels of protectiveness towards her should be heightened. This is not a one hundred percent invalid theory. Where it goes wrong is in the level that he exerts that protectiveness. Telling her that he thinks it is a very bad and dangerous idea to see Jacob? That’s fine. Destructing her property in order to prevent her from seeing him? Not fine. Effectively having her kidnapped? Really, really, really not fine.

But wait! The fans cry, She is in danger if she goes! Isn’t that an acceptable reason? No, it is not. This is because she is not actually in danger. Yes, if Jacob or one of the other werewolves lose control she could possibly get hurt like Emily did. However, that incident happened when Sam was the only werewolf not only present but in existence. This is relevant because if a werewolf lost control one of the other werewolves could easily morph and subdue him. This fact is particularly glaring because Edward allows Bella to get into this exact same situation with no hesitation. I am talking of course about Jasper.

It has been WELL established that Bella is a klutz to end all klutzes. This is a girl who has literally been told to be careful when she walks. The fact that it took her six months to bleed near Jasper is incredible. And the chances of it happening again are exceedingly high. The last time that happened she was very nearly killed and it is very possible that the next time she would not be so lucky.

And then there is the level of discipline. Bella speaks of being in trouble should Edward find out that she snuck off to see Jacob. When a partner does something their partner disapproves of it is quite reasonable for their partner to be angry. They may fight about it; they may even break up over it. But here is the difference: that partner should not be able to punish them for it. In the classic abusive model the partner will strike the disobedient one. In an emotionally abusive relationship the abusive partner may refuse to give the disobedient partner financial support (in these relationships it is very common that the abused is not financially independent and this is a big reason they often stay in the relationship). Simply put, a partner should not be able to tangibly punish.

We also have the fact that Edward’s authority is expressed in other ways. Most notably, he is the one who says they will absolutely not have sex until they are married. His reasoning for this is positively absurd. First he tells her that in his day they waited until marriage (this was very often untrue, premarital sex was frowned upon but it happened very often, particularly among men who would visit prostitutes). On the very next page when she argues that they are not living in 1917 anymore and the social norms no longer require that he tells her that when she is turned the times will become immaterial as they will be together for eternity. Which is it Edward? Are you bound by the societal expectations of your human years or are contemporary social norms irrelevant to vampires? They are contradictory statements and as such you can only pick one.

Even worse, Edward feels that he can force Bella to have an abortion and she is so afraid he’ll do so that she hires Rosalie as a bodyguard. In order to try and get her to abort the baby he goes behind her back and more or less pimps her out to Jacob, despite the fact that one of the main reasons Bella wants to keep the baby is because it is Edward’s child. This level of control goes beyond that of a romantic relationship. Such behavior is unacceptable in any relationship, period.

But Bella accepts and even enjoys the majority of the paternal roles Edward takes in her life while at the same time rejecting Charlie’s attempts to parent her. At best she sees them as equal such as in Eclipse when she equates Charlie refusing to let her go on a romantic getaway with Edward to Edward’s refusal to let her go to a werewolf barbecue. At worst, she sees Charlie parenting her as unacceptable. In Twilight she refuses to ask Charlie for permission to go alone to a far away city that she has never been to because she feels it would “set a bad precedent.” Are you fucking kidding me? That’s not a bad precedent, it’s just good parenting. Especially because when Bella later goes to a far away that she’s never been to before she gets separated from her group, gets hopelessly lost and then nearly gets gang-raped. If it weren’t for the fact that her stalker has more than his fair share of supernatural abilities she would have been. Charlie grounding her ass for taking off for a country six thousand miles away where she doesn’t speak the language, without informing anyone and not returning for three days as well as deliberately disobeying him in his ruling that motorcycles were too dangerous for her to ride (and remember that the risk of injury or even death was the REASON Bella disobeyed him) is utterly unreasonable in Bella’s mind.

In conclusion: the whole thing is abusive and fucked up.

Bella's Electra Complex

I am taking a childhood development class this summer and we were talking in the last lecture about authority and discipline, how to exert it and when it is being done to a reasonable and effective degree and when it is being abused. I was typing up my notes last night and it got me thinking about Bella and Edward, mostly about the differences between parental authority and love and romantic authority and love and how the biggest difference is the balance of power, why it exists, why it is important and how it is exerted as well as the level of dependency

In the ideal model of a parental relationship the balance of power is unequal. The parent is both a caregiver and an authority figure. The reason for the former is obvious. When a child is born they are wholly dependent on their parents. They rely on their parents to provide them with nourishment, safety, care when they are sick and perhaps the most overarching, love. They can’t even control their bowel movements. This is an exceedingly important stage of development that affects a child’s entire outlook on life and their behavior well into adulthood. This stage of life was defined by Eric Erikson as trust vs. mistrust.

This balance of power continues as the child gets older. The parent must protect their offspring. When the child reached adolescence they start to question and rebel against that authority. Because of the balance of power is uneven, the parent is the one who decides whether this is warranted and must discipline their child when they go against them. This societal principle is not questioned because it is assumed the parent knows more than the child as well as knowing their child on an intimate level and knowing what they can and can’t handle, what limits they will push and which limits should not be pushed. For instance, a parent may make an executive decision that their child can stay out until eleven o’clock at night because they know their child is trustworthy and will not abuse that trust. On the other hand, they may decide to veto that child’s request for a motorcycle because their job has caused them to see many, many children be injured or killed in motorcycle accidents. These rulings are more or less law in their house and not to be questioned or broken (i.e.: “As long as you live in my house you will live by rules” or “I am your mother and I make the rules. If you don’t like them, that’s too bad.”).

Again, the reason for this relationship model is based on the fact that the parent knows best. Another significant reason for it is that they are intrinsically responsible for their children. Kids make dumb choices and when they do it is their parents’ who will have to bail them out. It is for these reasons that a parent is not only allowed but required to discipline their child when they act out. You broke curfew? You lose car privileges. You were caught drinking? You’re grounded, end of story. You went to Italy for three days without telling anyone? Like hell are you leaving the house for the next six months (although to be honest if I did shit like that I’d probably be shipped off to a Swiss convent).

When it comes to romantic love the balance of power is or should be equal. Each partner is or should be allowed to make their own choices and decisions. If the other partner disagrees they can express their concerns to them and try to dissuade them, but ultimately they need to realize that they can make their own decisions. The only exception to this is when their partner is trying to do something criminal or extremely dangerous.

Fans of Twilight like to claim that Edward knows better than Bella and as such his levels of protectiveness towards her should be heightened. This is not a one hundred percent invalid theory. Where it goes wrong is in the level that he exerts that protectiveness. Telling her that he thinks it is a very bad and dangerous idea to see Jacob? That’s fine. Destructing her property in order to prevent her from seeing him? Not fine. Effectively having her kidnapped? Really, really, really not fine.

But wait! The fans cry, She is in danger if she goes! Isn’t that an acceptable reason? No, it is not. This is because she is not actually in danger. Yes, if Jacob or one of the other werewolves lose control she could possibly get hurt like Emily did. However, that incident happened when Sam was the only werewolf not only present but in existence. This is relevant because if a werewolf lost control one of the other werewolves could easily morph and subdue him. This fact is particularly glaring because Edward allows Bella to get into this exact same situation with no hesitation. I am talking of course about Jasper.

It has been WELL established that Bella is a klutz to end all klutzes. This is a girl who has literally been told to be careful when she walks. The fact that it took her six months to bleed near Jasper is incredible. And the chances of it happening again are exceedingly high. The last time that happened she was very nearly killed and it is very possible that the next time she would not be so lucky.

And then there is the level of discipline. Bella speaks of being in trouble should Edward find out that she snuck off to see Jacob. When a partner does something their partner disapproves of it is quite reasonable for their partner to be angry. They may fight about it; they may even break up over it. But here is the difference: that partner should not be able to punish them for it. In the classic abusive model the partner will strike the disobedient one. In an emotionally abusive relationship the abusive partner may refuse to give the disobedient partner financial support (in these relationships it is very common that the abused is not financially independent and this is a big reason they often stay in the relationship). Simply put, a partner should not be able to tangibly punish.

We also have the fact that Edward’s authority is expressed in other ways. Most notably, he is the one who says they will absolutely not have sex until they are married. His reasoning for this is positively absurd. First he tells her that in his day they waited until marriage (this was very often untrue, premarital sex was frowned upon but it happened very often, particularly among men who would visit prostitutes). On the very next page when she argues that they are not living in 1917 anymore and the social norms no longer require that he tells her that when she is turned the times will become immaterial as they will be together for eternity. Which is it Edward? Are you bound by the societal expectations of your human years or are contemporary social norms irrelevant to vampires? They are contradictory statements and as such you can only pick one.

Even worse, Edward feels that he can force Bella to have an abortion and she is so afraid he’ll do so that she hires Rosalie as a bodyguard. In order to try and get her to abort the baby he goes behind her back and more or less pimps her out to Jacob, despite the fact that one of the main reasons Bella wants to keep the baby is because it is Edward’s child. This level of control goes beyond that of a romantic relationship. Such behavior is unacceptable in any relationship, period.

But Bella accepts and even enjoys the majority of the paternal roles Edward takes in her life while at the same time rejecting Charlie’s attempts to parent her. At best she sees them as equal such as in Eclipse when she equates Charlie refusing to let her go on a romantic getaway with Edward to Edward’s refusal to let her go to a werewolf barbecue. At worst, she sees Charlie parenting her as unacceptable. In Twilight she refuses to ask Charlie for permission to go alone to a far away city that she has never been to because she feels it would “set a bad precedent.” Are you fucking kidding me? That’s not a bad precedent, it’s just good parenting. Especially because when Bella later goes to a far away that she’s never been to before she gets separated from her group, gets hopelessly lost and then nearly gets gang-raped. If it weren’t for the fact that her stalker has more than his fair share of supernatural abilities she would have been. Charlie grounding her ass for taking off for a country six thousand miles away where she doesn’t speak the language, without informing anyone and not returning for three days as well as deliberately disobeying him in his ruling that motorcycles were too dangerous for her to ride (and remember that the risk of injury or even death was the REASON Bella disobeyed him) is utterly unreasonable in Bella’s mind.

In conclusion: the whole thing is abusive and fucked up.

Stephenie Meyer's Illustrated Guide to Twilight. Intro and Interview with Shannon Hale

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. That’s because I was low on both time and inspiration. So much has already been said on how much this series sucks, what else can I add?

But then the cash cow abusers that are the Stephenie Meyer camp dropped a big old source of inspiration onto my lap in the form of the illustrated guide to Twilight. And it just so happens that school is winding down (both for me as a student and teacher) so I’ve got bundles of newly free time to fritter away until summer semester begins. So, I got myself a virtual copy and am prepared to rip this new addition to the franchise to shreds. Whee!!!

As always I will try to be as respectful to Ms. Meyer as a person as possible and only make comments on what she has written and said in public. I do not know her; all that I say about her in here is simply conjecture made from my personal impressions of her public persona.

Warning: this book if freaking huge and the downside of an electronic book is you cannot make easy to find annotations on the suck in glitter pens like I do with the actual books. So this will be quite the process. It may take a while

Eclipse Chapter One Stats

So I've been keeping track of Meyer's use of certain words and situations. After each chapter I will post my finding. 

Note: when I calculate how often a word is used I round to the nearest half.

Chapter Number: 1

Chapter Name: Ultimatum

Pages: 31

Words: 7897

Eclipse Chapter One- Ultimatum

And now, we get into the meat of it: the endangered polar bear meat of it. 

1.ULTIMATUM

Either keep reading and watch the train wreck unfold or save your sanity and/or brain cells. I think we all know which I’m going to chose. Please, I made it through an entire episode of Bridalplasty- I clearly have an unhealthy obsession with trainwrecks.

Meyer and the Desire for Effortless Parenting

Meyer on Parenting

I kinda think Meyer is anti-child. Or anti-parenting. Or maybe anti-normal kids. A lot can be said towards the pedophilic aspect of Jacob/Renesmee and Claire/Quil. But that’s not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about Esme. 

On Meyer and Her Attitude Towards Her Husband and Marriage

"I think one of the most frustrating things about my confident, self-assured husband is that he is not in the least bit threatened by my devotion to Edward and Jacob, though I have told him many times that if either one of them showed up at the door, I would leave without looking back. Pancho just grins and says, "You do that, Steph."-Stephenie Meyer

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. ~H.L. Mencken

Eclipse- Dedication, Pre-Preface and Preface

Here we go. Are you ready? Am I ready? Only one way to find out.

In which I take on a fearsome task

Hello internet strangers! My name is Zoë, but you can call me LimelightQueen. I’m twenty-one years old and am a long time Twilight hater. I’ve been hating on Twilight since way before it was cool! I’m talking pre-Making Spawn, err, I mean, Breaking Dawn days. I was a member of Twilightsucks.com v.1. Trust me; I am not a newbie at this.