Eclipse Chapter One- Ultimatum

And now, we get into the meat of it: the endangered polar bear meat of it. 

1.ULTIMATUM

Either keep reading and watch the train wreck unfold or save your sanity and/or brain cells. I think we all know which I’m going to chose. Please, I made it through an entire episode of Bridalplasty- I clearly have an unhealthy obsession with trainwrecks.

Bella

I don’t know why you’re making Charlie carry notes to Billy like we’re in second grade

How about because everyone in this book acts like they are eight years old?

            You made the choice here, okay? You can’t have it both ways when

Clearly you haven’t read Making Spawn Breaking Dawn yet.

What part of “mortal enemies” is too complicated for you to

Come on Jake. This is BELLA we are talking about. The girl is so incompetent she googled “vampire” and had trouble finding anything about blood drinkers. This is the person who was told, in all seriousness, “be careful when you walk.” Concepts like ancient supernatural blood feuds are way above this chick’s head. As is anything that impedes her from getting precisely what she wants

Look, I know I’m being a jerk but there’s just no way around

Personally I’d say Bella being a heartless bitch is justifiable cause for you being a bit testy

We can’t be friends when you’re spending all your time with

Oh come on Jake! Don’t wimp out on me now! A bunch of what? Murders? Sociopaths? Bedazzled cardboard cut-outs?

It just makes it worse when I think about you too much, so please don’t write anymore

Look, Meyer put part of my letter in her book!

Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn’t change anything. Sorry

 Jacob

You fucking wuss

I have an issue with Meyer’s writing that was first pointed out here. Meyer cheats her narration. When you have a first person narrator your telling of the story becomes very limited; this is why it is so hard to effectively write in first person narration. We, the readers, see everything that Bella sees, we know only what she knows. This is a problem for less, shall we say skilled writers like Meyer. Meyer wants us to know things that logically, a person shouldn’t know. So we get narration cheating.

Let’s think about the format of the chapter so far. We’ve got Jacob writing a letter and having many false starts, crossing out sentences as he tries to convey his feelings towards her. Now, if this was a third person narration or if Jacob was our narrator this would be a very effective way to communicate his tumultuous state. But because we are reading these books from Bella’s eyes we know that Bella can read the crossed out sections, too. This leaves me wondering why Jake didn’t spring for another sheet of paper. At the very least he could have good and scribbled the stuff out, not used dainty little lines that leave the crossed-out sections extremely readable.

Clearly I’m reading too much into this. In truth, Smeyer is a lazy author. And cheating the narration is the hallmark of a lazy author, second only to telling and not showing. Narration cheating causes the first person to be freakishly intuitive-

I could picture him writing this—scrawling the angry letters in his rough handwriting, slashing through line after line when the words came out wrong, maybe even snapping the pen in his too-big hand; that would explain the ink splatters.

Yes, in the actual text there are two tiny ink splatters that conveniently don’t hinder our reading of the unreadable crossed out sections. And here Bella just KNOWS that those two ink spots were caused by Jake snapping the pen. For most of us, two small ink spots would hardly garner much attention. If it did we’d most likely assume that the pen had leaked a pit or the writer’s hand slipped. But since Meyer has decided that the ink spots were caused by the pen breaking, she has first person narrator Bella jump to an illogical conclusion.

Meyer also likes to ream her points home, often reiterating things that she said only one page earlier as though her readers have very selective short term amnesia

His answer to my pleading note—passed from Charlie to Billy, just like in second grade, as he pointed out

We remember. It happened one freaking page ago.

What was surprising was how much each crossed out line wounded me—as if the points of the letters had cutting edges. More than that, behind each angry beginning lurked a pool of hurt; Jacob’s pain cut me deeper than my own.

Lots of metaphors and similes in that one, folks. And of course they get all mixed up like a coffee machine in an oven. The crossed out lines wound her because the points of the letters are like cutting edges. That wounding is augmented by the fact that behind all those crossed out lines there’s a pool of hurt. That pool of hurt cuts Bella.

I like to imagine Jaws rising from Jacob’s pool of hurt and eating Bella.

But enough about Bella’s pain, it’s Bashing on Humans Who Aren’t Bella  (BOHWAB) Time!

I caught the scent of a smoking burner rising from the kitchen. In another house, the fact that someone besides myself was cooking might not be a cause for panicking.

“But because I live with a grown man who lived on his own for over a decade but still possesses a penis, my father needed rescuing from domestic pursuits from someone with ovaries.”

The jar of spaghetti sauce Charlie’d stuck in the microwave was only in its first revolution when I yanked the door open and pulled it out.

“What did I do wrong?” Charlie demanded.

“You’re supposed to take the lid off first, Dad. Metal’s bad for microwaves.”

Firstly, how does Bella know that this is only the first revolution? The only way she’d know that was if she was in the room when Charlie stuck the jar in the microwave in the first place. If that’s it Bella really should have said something before he shut the door and started pressing buttons.

Also, Meyer, really, you expect me to believe that a grown man doesn’t know not to put metal in a microwave? Really? Because my eight year old cousins know not to put metal in the microwaves. Even though they are boys.

Finally, the way Bella talks to her father here, “metal’s bad for microwaves,” reminds me of the way I talk to my kindergarten students. “No Davey, we don’t throw blocks. They could hit someone and that would be bad.”

We also learn on this page that not only did Charlie fail chemistry, he also doesn’t know how to make pasta. I learned how to make pasta when I was about ten. Yes, I know, I have that double x DNA, but if a girl can figure out the pasta thing at ten, a man should be able to master it by his late thirties/early forties. And even if mastering it is too difficult, he should at least learn be able to figure out that  by the time the pasta is sticking to the pot and the actual pot is scorching, it’s time to take it off the burner. And probably throw it out.

If he can’t cook, how did he manage to survive in the sixteen years when he lived alone? A small town sheriff’s salary cannot be enough to let Charlie eat out every night. Especially since he has a two bedroom house that must have a mortgage.

And also: Bella apparently doesn’t know much about cooking either. She says that stirring helps when cooking pasta. It doesn’t. Stirring doesn’t do anything. I know this; I went to cooking school and aced my Eggs, Dairy and Pasta class. So much for that whole double x chromosome thing. I'm going to have to retract her girl license.

Next, Bella assumes that Charlie has an ulterior motive for his attempts to burn down the house. Because a man can’t cook in his own house unless he has a motive. When Bella asks this condescending question Charlie folds his arms and glares out the window at the disgusting weather outside. Once again it is pouring rain in Forks. And so Bella makes the obvious assumption: this is all about her.

What was with the surly attitude? Edward wasn’t here yet; usually my dad reserved this kind of behavior for my boyfriend’s benefit, doing his best to illustrate the theme of “unwelcome” with every word and posture. Charlie’s efforts were unnecessary—Edward knew exactly what my dad was thinking without the show

Charlie hates Edward. I like Charlie.

And now Bella needs to tell us how she feels about Edward and what words she finds appropriate for their relationship.

The word boyfriend had me chewing on the inside of my cheek with a familiar tension while I stirred. It wasn’t the right word, not at all. I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment…But words like destiny and fate sounded hokey when you used them in casual conversation.

Firstly, this is the girl who has called Edward a “marble Adonis” with perfect seriousness. And she things destiny is hokey? Yeah, okay then. And did she seriously use the word "hokey"? Is she eighty?

And the last paragraph, the one where she described Edward as her boyfriend, was not said aloud. It was her inner monologue. You are allowed to be as hokey as you want in your own head.

Bella decides the correct word is “fiancée” and shudders at the thought. Bella, sweetie? If the thought of it makes you so uncomfortable, maybe you shouldn’t have agreed to marry him.

On a funnier note: the word fiancée is French. It’s also feminine. The male word is fiancé. This is hardly surprising to see in Twilight as Meyer seems to ascribe to Humpty Dumpty’s feelings on words: they can mean whatever the mole she wants them to mean, for chair’s shoe!

 Bella now reminds us of what her father does for a living          

I eyed the badge pinned to his leather jacket.

From now on I am going to pretend that Charlie is The Fonz

He shrugged out the jacket as if my glance had reminded him he still had it on, and hung it on the peg reserved for his gear.

On another aside: I hate that Meyer doesn’t know what a comma is for. I am just going to point out the comma splice here and be done with it because if I pointed them all out I would die of overwork.

His gun belt was already slung in place—he hadn’t felt the need to wear that to the station for a few weeks. There had been no more disturbing disappearances to trouble the small town of Forks, Washington, no more sightings of the giant, mysterious wolves in the ever-rainy woods…

How strangely ominous…

Let it be noted that Charlie is the worst cop ever. There hasn’t been any crime lately, so clearly there won’t be any crime ever again. Seriously Meyer, if crime only happened when we expected it to there would be no need for law enforcement. Fucking moron.

Although, I already figured that Charlie was the worst police chief ever from the end of Twilight. Let’s consider how Charlie would have seen the climax of the first book:

His seventeen year old daughter goes out with her new boyfriend, they’ve been dating for less than a week but he’s always around, telling her he loves and needs her. A few hours later, his daughter comes home screaming and crying. She yells at him that she needs to leave Forks, not tomorrow, not in a few hours: now. It has to be now. She hates it in Forks, even though she was fine with it just that morning. The next day you get a call from a hospital in Phoenix: your daughter has broken her legs as well as multiple ribs. She has a concussion and contusions all over her body. You are told she fell down a flight of stairs and through a window. When her mother gets to Phoenix, her boyfriend is already there even though he didn’t leave with her. He was the one who brought her to the hospital. He did not call an ambulance even though he is only seventeen and has no medical training. There were no witnesses to her fall, all the guests and staff only heard about it after she had already gone to the hospital.

As a father, what would your conclusion to that scenario be?

As a cop, Charlie was at the very least trained at how to spot an abused woman, even if he’d never had to personally deal with a domestic disturbance because Forks is basically Pleasantville. The most common story that abused women give is that they fell down the stairs. The defenestration is not so common, but still, every sign in the scenario above points to the conclusion that Edward did something to terrify Bella on their date and when she tried to get away from her he followed her and then beat her up, most likely in an effort to get her to come back. But Charlie takes Bella’s story at face value. Because he is the worst cop ever.

Bella has no opinions on Charlie’s policing skills, but she does have a big one on his parenting skills According to Bella, Charlie is the worst father EVAH. Why? Well, because he grounded her. This is so fucked up, I have to quote it. Wall of text ahead.

I glanced at the clock routinely—something I did every few minutes around this time. Less than a half hour to go now. 

Afternoons were the hardest part of my day. Ever since my former best friend (and werewolf) Jacob Black, had informed on me about the motorcycle I’d been riding on the sly—a betrayal he had devised in order to get me grounded so I couldn’t spend time with my boyfriend (and vampire) Edward Cullen—Edward had been allowed to see me only from seven until nine-thirty p.m., always in the confines of my home and under the supervision of my dad’s unfailingly crabby glare.

Okay, I’ve got to stop now because there are just so many things that suck about the above two paragraphs. Firstly, the way Bella tells us Jake and Edward’s species in parentheses is confusing. It makes it sound like Jake is Bella's former best friend as well as her former werewolf and that Edward is her boyfriend and her vampire. A better way to phrase it might have been “Jacob Black, who was a werewolf as well as my former best friend.” But enough grammar lessons for now. Let’s talk about Bella’s codependency instead!

Bella has almost every class with Edward. He spends every night in her room. Let’s hazard a guess that it takes her half an hour to get ready and go to school and she gets home for at around three-thirty and she pretends to go to bed at ten-thirty. That means she’s whining about spending four hours a day away from Edward. If spending four and a half hours a day from your boyfriend is such agony you need to see a shrink because you are seriously codependent.

There’s also the fact that Bella seems to find this grounding uncalled for. It isn’t. Charlie is a cop (a horrible cop, but a cop nonetheless), I’m going to guess that he has seen more teenagers and young adults wounded or killed from motorcycle accidents than he cares to count. Bella knows that motorcycles are dangerous- that’s why she got one in the first place, so she could hallucinate Edward’s voice telling her not to be such an idiot. Ah, young love.

My parents had that exact same ruling on motorcycles for me and my sisters, for almost the exact same reason. Both of them are doctors and as such they have seen far too many teenagers and young adults wounded or killed from motorcycle accidents than they care to count. Charlie and my parents don’t make rules like this because they are fun-hating assholes; they make those rules because they care about their children far too much to risk letting them get hurt like that.

And if you thought Bella’s reaction to being punished for breaking the rules about motorcycles is harsh, well take a load of this:

This was an escalation from the previous, slightly less stringent grounding that I’d earned for an unexplained three-day disappearance and one episode of cliff diving.

This tone makes me want to slap her. That “one episode of cliff diving” happened in the middle of a massive storm and she did it when she was alone, having never done something like that before. I’ve gone cliff diving before. It’s awesome. But every time I’ve done so I’ve had an instructor with me so I wouldn’t, you know, die like Bella almost did.

And then there was the three day disappearance. Now, it’s clear even from her wording that this is not okay. Disappearing for three days is never okay. But she didn’t just disappear- she went to Italy. She went to a country she’s never been before, a country where she doesn’t speak the language, and she didn’t tell her father. Does she realize that had she gotten hurt or died her parents would have no idea? How can one person be so freaking selfish?

There’s also how dumb it is for her not to understand Charlie’s anger at her over this. This is similar to the motorcycle thing. Charlie is a cop. He’s dealt with missing persons before.The first 24 hours that are most crucial in a missing person’s case. After that the odds of finding them alive are very slim. Or at least, that’s what always accurate cop procedural shows like Castle have taught me (and you know that all Meyer knows about police procedure is from reruns of CSI). Charlie was probably worried out of his mind; he was probably picturing his daughter raped and killed in an abandoned warehouse. And Bella thinks he’s being unreasonable for punishing her.

And then there’s the fact that this isn’t the first time Bella has done this. She ran away from home just over a year ago. And she ended up in the hospital with a concussion, a broken leg, broken ribs and bruises all over her body.

Plus, the whole lack of tact thing for leaving while her father was at his good friend’s funeral. Bitch.

Though the afternoon was the only time I spent away from Edward, it was enough to make me restless, and the hours always dragged. Still, I endured it without complaining

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, wait, you’re serious? Damn, you may be the least self aware person on the planet. And I went to high school with a girl who legit had to be reminded what her own initials were.

I couldn’t bear to hurt my dad by moving out now, when a much more permanent separation hovered, invisible to Charlie, so close on the horizon.

Separation is an intangible thing. So, of course it’s invisible. Secondly, don’t you realize how much it’d hurt your dad if you moved out, no matter how long it was for? Thirdly, Charlie does know you will be separated soon. He’s still under the illusion that you have a life outside Edward and will therefore be going to college.

I picked up my much-abused copy of Wuthering Heights from where I’d left it this morning at breakfast, and tried to lose myself in turn-of-the-century England while I waited for him to start talking

Ten bucks says the majority of Meyer’s intended audience thinks Heathcliff is a cat.

And for the record, Wuthering Heights was published in 1847. That's the mid nineteenth century. The turn of the century implies either the very end or very beginning of a century. I shouldn't have to explain that point. And let it be known that I did not know the date it was published off the top of my head but I did have an inkling that Emily Bronte died towards the middle on the nineteenth century so it sounded wrong. In less than ten seconds I was able to discover when the book was published and that Bronte died a year later. Meyer, Wikipedia is your friend, use it. 

“You’re right,” Charlie said, “I did have a reason for doing this.” He waved his fork at the gluey spread. “I wanted to talk to you.”

I laid the book aside; the binding was so destroyed that it slumped flat on the table. “You could have just asked.”

For what, permission to talk to his daughter?

“What do you need, Dad?"

“It’s about Jacob."

I felt my face harden. “What about him?” I asked through stiff lips.

Every time I read this I try to make my lips go stiff. I don’t think it’s possible. Try it. Go on. You look and feel ridiculous, don’t you?

Charlie continues to tell Bella not to be such a bitch to Jacob

 "I know you're still upset that he told on you, but it was the right thing. He was being responsible."  

"Responsible," I repeated scathingly, rolling my eyes.

Yes Bella, responsible. It's that thing you keep claiming to be. Despite that you keep using that word, it clearly does not mean what you think it means. Same thing goes for the words "mature," "intelligent" and "selfless."

    Charlie's face was suddenly wary

The only parents who should be wary of their children are the Thorns.

    "Well, it's about Edward, too."    My eyes narrowed.

Don't you dare insinuate anything negative about my schmoopy!

    "Okay," He sighed, raising his hands as if in surrender. "So I'm thinking maybe you deserve a parole for good behavior. For a teenager, you're amazingly non-whiney."

WHAT?!?!?!?! Seriously, WHAT? This is classic Meyer- all telling with no showing. For any writing novices out there "tell don't show" is the cardinal rule of writing and Twilight is like I "find what's wrong with this picture" teaching guide. Here, Meyer tells us that Bella doesn't whine. But in reality, that's all she's been doing since page one of Twilight when she was whining about the place she chose to move to. Meyer is telling us one thing while showing us another. This is the hallmark of un-self-aware authors, of whom Meyer is Queen.

Anyway, if Bella is amazingly non-whiney for a teenager, well, she's well under par for a spoiled three year old.

    "Bella, this is more of a request than a demand, okay? You're free. But I'm hoping you'll use that freedom…judiciously."     

"What does that mean?"

For someone who is supposedly so well read you really are a twit. It means you are obsessed with Edward and it's creepy. Well, technically according to Charlie it means he'd like her to spread her time around to people other than Eddie. But my interpretation is clearly implied. 

    "But you have other friends besides the Cullens, Bella. Or at least you used to."    We stared at each other for a long moment.    "When was the last time you spoke to Angela Weber?" He threw at me.     

"Friday at lunch," I answered immediately.

So, at least three days ago? Yeah, you really just disproved Charlie's point there. 

The next two paragraphs are possibly my "favorite" in my entire dissection so far (personally I'm nearly 200 pages in, just haven't gotten them off the book and onto the computer yet). It's so perfectly messed up.

Before Edward's return, my school friends had polarized into two groups. I liked to think of those two groups as good vs. evil.Us vs. them worked, too. The good guys were Angela, her steady boyfriend Ben Cheney, and Mike Newton; these three had all very generously forgiven me for going crazy when Edward left. Lauren Mallory was the evil core of the them side, and almost everyone else, including my first friend in Forks, Jessica Stanley, seemed content to go along with her anti-Bella agenda.

Don't you just love that term "anti-Bella agenda?" Seriously, where is this agenda and how can I get behind it? Bella makes everything so freaking dramatic, it's incredible. It's like Hamas's anti-Israel agenda or Sarah Palin's pro-life agenda. I love that Bella thinks she is as controversial as the Middle East conflict and abortion. It's amazing.

I'm also confused by the duality of the two groups. This is most likely due to Meyer's ongoing love affair with adjectives. Not that adjectives are bad, in fact they are awesome. But she likes them a bit too much and they often confuse her meaning. Like here, where Bella says the "good" side had generously forgiven her. Generous means it was more than could have been expected. When someone gives a nickel to a homeless guy, that's not generosity. When they give them a hundred dollar bill, it is. Because no one would expect a person to give a homeless man 100 dollars. But when you do, you go above and beyond. So when the "good" people were generous in forgiving Bella that means that Bella feels they didn't need to.

But if they didn't need to, why are those who didn't generously forgive her described as evil?

Next on my pro-good writing agenda: the way men view Bella. This is not a new thing, but note who the two boys that still tolerate Bella are: Mike and Ben. We know that Mike is hopelessly in love with Bella. And Ben we are told is dating Angela. Anyone ever notice that the only men not completely in love with Bella are already attached? I bet Mr. Banner doesn't have a wife. Or if he does she's a heartless shrew.*

There is a reason why Jessica should be mad at Bella. Bella nearly got her killed in New Moon by walking towards the rapists. Not that Bella ever considered what effects her stupidity might have on people other than herself. And the reason everyone else probably hates her is that she's a stuck-up bitch who likens people who are friendly to new people in town to fucking labradoodle puppies. 

Finally, hey Bell-Bells? You know that persecution complexes are a sign of schizophrenia, right? Yet another reason you need to go see a shrink. 

*Yes, Meyer has confirmed via interview that Bella is so freaking hot that her middle aged biology teacher was fantasizing about doing her. And people say her books don't support pedophilia. 

Edward's return had taken its toll on Mike's friendship but Angela was unswervingly loyal and Ben followed her lead.

Is it just me or is the phrase "unswervingly loyal" better suited to describe a medieval serf's allegiance to the reigning monarch? Yet more proof that Bella thinks she's queen of the world. Or at the very least Forks.

"Outside of school?" Charlie asked, calling my attention back"I haven't seen anyone outside of school, Dad. Grounded, remember?"

Do you have amnesia or something? Charlie didn't ask if you'd seen Angela lately; he asked if you had spoken to her. I'll assume you still have phone privileges.

"And Angela has a boyfriend, too. She's always with Ben."

Why does Meyer think people with significant others don't care about anything else or bother to have any other friends? Just because Bella is a codependent twat that doesn't (or shouldn't) mean everyone else is too

"I don't think you should dump all your other friends for your boyfriend, Bella," he said in a stern voice. "It's not nice, and I think your life would be better balanced if you kept some other people in it. What happened last September…

Charlie, I don't normally go for older men, but I think I may love you. Sorry Emmett. 

It was a dilemma I was already struggling with. My friends. People who, for their own safety, I'd never be able to see again after graduation. So what was the better course of action? Spend time with them while I could? Or start the separation now to make it more gradual? I quailed at the idea of the second option.

…of not seeing the supposed friends you spend days not talking to? I can see how that'd be gut-wrenching.

Now we have Bella trying to tell her dad that her avoiding Jacob isn't about her not wanting to see him.

"Why is it so difficult?" [Charlie asked.]It wasn't something I was at liberty to explain. It was against the rules for normal people ---human people like me and Charlie

I kinda figured that normal meant human

---to know about the clandestine world full of myths and monsters that existed secretly around us.

The clandestine world exists secretly? Thanks for the explanation that explained. 

I knew all about that world

As you telling us about it would suggest

Blah, blah, blah more filler stuff to catch up the newbies with the story thus far.

My plan to deal with the werewolf [Jacob] had definitely not gone over well with the vampires.

Bella, you are aware that you are your own person and not an extension of your boyfriend, right?

"You're hurting Jake's feelings, avoiding him like this. He'd rather be friends than nothing." 

Oh now I was avoiding him?

Bella, I'd like to recap the beginning of the chapter- Jacob has given you a note through Charlie. You threw out that note. That does seem like avoidance. 

I'm pretty sure Jake doesn't want to be friends at all." The words burned my mouth. "Where'd you get that idea, anyway?"  

Charlie looked embarrassed now. "The subject might have come up today with Billy…" 

"You and Billy gossip like old women," I complained.

Clearly Meyer has amnesia, too. She just said only four pages ago that Bella was not a whiner. And yet here she is complaining (a synonym for whining, to the morons out there *coughstepheniemeyercough*) about her father talking to his best friend about issues that are clearly having quite a large effect on their children. Which isn't gossip, it is concern. The way children behave does in fact affect their parents. And can one really gossip about one's self?

Blah, blah, blah more whining and complaining from Bella towards her father "interfering" with her life. Charlie tells Bella that she has a letter; it is by the stove. I am surprised that Charlie knows what a stove is.

I didn't move, my thoughts twisting into snarls around Jacob's name.

That line probably should have been said after a paragraph that actually included Jacob's name. 

Turns out that the letter is from the University of Alaska Southeast. 

"That was quick. I guess I missed the deadline on that one, too."

Wait, the admissions department got back to Bella quickly because she got her application in late? I'm going to assume she was months late and they were finished with all the other applicants and had plenty of time to consider Bella's application; otherwise they'd be drowning in the on time applications. If this is the case then Bella is so super-duper special and wonderful that a college admissions officer would not only open and read an extremely late submission but actually accept her over other students who actually bothered to submit their applications on time! This is especially weird to me as I am in the middle of trying to transfer from a community college to a regular, four year college and what I've noticed in small schools such as, I assume, UASE want to be wanted. If a student puts their application in that late without having a very good reason for its lateness the applicant has already informed the admissions office about it suggests that they don't really care if they get into your school. And, no, Bella's sadness over being dumped is not a good reason. A good reason according to a college admissions office would be the applicant being deployed or in an actual coma.

The letter has already been opened by Charlie

"I'm shocked, Sheriff. That's a federal crime."

Normally this line wouldn't warrant a comment as it is clearly a joke, and one I myself made when my parents opened both my cooking school acceptance letters and my little sister's college and seminary acceptance letters. But in less than ten pages we will find out that Edward forges Bella's signature and bribes colleges to get her in. Bella does not point out the illegality of those actions. 

I pulled out the letter and a folded schedule of courses.

I know this is nitpick-y but the schedule thing really bothers me. She hasn't enrolled yet so it can't be her personal schedule. And you know how most students know if they got into a college by the thickness of the envelope? Well, Bella is clearly an idiot for not realizing that an envelope with contained not a course guide like most acceptance letters but a schedule of every class running in the next semester could possibly contain a simple rejection note. Also, this is April; most schools don't have the next semester's schedule hammered out until about maybe two or three months beforehand.

But what does any of this minutiae matter? Edward has arrived and we get our first nauseatingly adulating description of him

Time had not made me immune to the perfection of his face, and I was sure that I would never take any aspect of him for granted.

This goes back to my post on Meyer and marriage, Bella and Edward are in perpetual puppy love and Meyer thinks this it is a good thing that it never matures into a regular, routine relationship. Whew, try saying that one ten times fast. 

My eyes traced over his pale white features, the hard square of his jaw, the straight line of his nose, the sharp angle of his cheekbones, the smooth marble span of his forehead---partially obscured by a tangle of rain-darkened bronze hair 

I saved his eyes for last, knowing that when I looked into them I was likely to lose my train of thought. They were wide, warm with liquid gold, and framed by a thick fringe of black lashes. Staring into his eyes always made me feel extraordinary--- sort of like my bones were turning spongy. I was also feeling a little lightheaded, but that could have been because I'd forgotten to keep breathing. Again

If that doesn't make you want to barf please see your doctor because you clearly have severely low blood sugar. 

I counted. In the last paragraph (Three and a half sentences and 74 words) Bella is weakened by Edward's looks three times and mentions a past occurrence of this phenomenon once. 

It was a face any male model would trade his soul for.

What odd phrasing, I've never heard it before. Normally people say someone would trade their "right arm" or "firstborn." Or say they would die for it. I wonder why she used such unique wording.

Of course, that might be exactly the asking price: one soul.

But of course. 

His touch brought the strangest sense of relief --- as if I'd been in pain and that pain had ceased

Yes, the ceasing of pain often happens when one feels relief. 

"How was your afternoon?" 

"Slow." 

"For me, as well"

Four hours! They spend four hours a day apart. And yet they act like it's been decades. Codependent morons. 

 He pulled my wrist up to his face, our hands twisted together. His eyes closed as his nose skimmed along the skin there, and he smiled gently without opening them.

This is the first instance in this book of Edward doing something really weird and Bella finding it sexy. Seriously, he just rubbed his nose against her hand. And Mike is the puppy dog? Sure, okay. And two hands twisting together sounds painful. I'm guessing she means their fingers were intertwined but fingers and hands are not the same thing. 

Bonus ambiguous pronoun usage! He didn't open "them." Yes, it's pretty clear that she means his eyes, but there are a lot of body parts mentioned in that sentence and both his mouth and her skin are mentioned more recently than his eyes. One shouldn't need to figure out what the author is trying to say.

I knew that the scent of my blood ---so much sweeter to hum than any other person's blood, truly like wine beside water to an alcoholic

I'm not an alcoholic and I actually don't know any alcoholics (that I am aware of), but this is still insulting to me. Just as the famous heroin line made me rage because I have someone close to me whose drug addiction has ruined her life and her relationships with every friend and family member she has ever had. Meyer compares these horrible experiences to a romantic relationship. Bella wants Edward to overcome the distances he's put between himself and the thing he is addicted to. She wants him to have sex with her and she wants him to bite her, thus turning her into a vampire. And because Bella wants it and the reader is supposed to relate to Bella, we are supposed to want that, too. But when an addict succumbs to their addiction, shoots up, downs those pills or drinks that double vodka, it is not a glorious thing; it is not a happy thing. It brings them the most temporary of reliefs but in the long run it hurts them and everyone around them. 

So please Meyer, stop using addiction as a romantic metaphor. The love of your life is not like Grade-A heroin. 

"Good evening, Charlie," Edward was always flawlessly polite, though Charlie didn't deserve it.

Yes, he does. A father most certainly does deserve politeness and respect from his daughter's boyfriend. Especially when that boyfriend recently abandoned his daughter and told her he never loved her, leaving her in a comatose state for months.

And if Edward were truly "flawlessly polite" he'd call Charlie "Mr. Swan." Or is it "Sheriff Swan?" I can never remember if "sheriff" is an official title like "Doctor" or "Reverend." Since Charlie hates Edward I'm going to assume he never gave him permission to call him by his first name. 

Next up is Edward's forcing of Bella to fill out applications of colleges she doesn't want to go to. I shouldn't need to say it but: people who really love you don't force you into major life decisions. Or frankly, into anything.

How did he keep finding these loophole openings? It was so late in the year.He smiled as if he could read my thought; they must have been very obvious on my face

We are told that the reason Edward's can't read Bella's mind is because she has the world's only "private mind." And yet, she's repeatedly shown to be completely transparent in her thoughts, so clearly she can't keep her thoughts to herself. How is that a private mind?

"There are still a few places willing to make exceptions."I could just imagine the motivations behind such exceptions. And the dollar amounts involved.

Edward bribes institutions like Dartmouth despite Bella not even wanting to go there. And no one calls him out on this. Unlike when Bella called out Charlie for reading her mail four pages ago. 

Charlie huffed and followed behind, though he could hardly complain about the activity on tonight's agenda. He'd been pestering me to make a decision about college on a daily basis.

This sentence is so wrong. Firstly, we were told that UASE was Bella's first acceptance. How can he pester her about making a decision before she has gotten in anywhere? And secondly, this is such a logic fail. He wants her to make a decision quickly and so he approves of her opening up more option. Nope, doesn't make sense.

When I moved Wuthering Heights to the counter, Edward raised one eyebrow. I knew what he was thinking, but Charlie interrupted before Edward could comment. 

Doesn't Meyer realize that Wuthering Heights is a cautionary tale about the consequences of obsessive love? It is not a tragic love story. It is even less of a tragic love story than Romeo and Juliet. 

"Where have you been accepted?" Charlie pressed.  

"Syracuse…Harvard…Dartmouth"

I know that Edward is super smart. But I recently read somewhere that even if Princeton only accepted applicants who were their class valedictorians they would still have to reject 95% of the applicants. Or something like that. I'm going to assume that the other Ivies are the same. In any case I know that all of the Ivies accept only a small percentage of each year's applicants; in 2009 Penn accepted the largest amount for the fall semester, a whopping 18%. In contrast, Harvard only accepted 7%. A good amount of those applicants are legacies. 

We later find out that Eric is the class valedictorian, not Edward. Edward does not participate in any extracurricular activities. Forks High School is a small, undistinguished public school in a Podunk town. His teachers would say that while he is smart, he rarely participates in school functions, nor does he interact with any student other than his siblings and his girlfriend. His attendance record is spotty to say the least, and he doesn't miss school because he is sick or there's a family emergency. He skips school to go camping every chance he gets. There is no conceivable reason why Edward should have been accepted to these colleges. While we know that he is exceptionally smart, the only thing he has to reflect that in his applications is his grades and his SAT scores. And like anyone who has gone to a high pressure private high school, I know that good grades and SAT scores are not enough to get you into an Ivy. This is why I'm eternally grateful I have never had any inclination to go to an Ivy League school. 

Being smart is not enough to get you into an Ivy. You need extracurricular activities out the wazoo, killer recommendations, you need to have been doing charity work since you could walk and you need a kick ass essay. The only one Edward could feasibly be able to crank out is the last one. But, what would it be about? Edward is bland as hell. He has no real interests, except maybe playing the piano and stalking Bella. He's never done anything interesting. I suppose he could write a poignant essay about how he lost his parents and was adopted by the kind and generous Cullens but that seems tenuous at best. 

My best friend from high school got wait listed and later rejected from Penn. She got great grades and most of her classes were honors or APs. She got in the 2200s on her SAT. She was captain of the soccer team, head of the drama club, founded our debate team, has won numerous art awards, plays the viola and is bilingual. While she did end up going to a top 50 school, it's incongruous that she'd get rejected but Edward is accepted. 

Oh right, Edward is super special and perfect, forgive me. 

Also, what is Syracuse doing in that list? Don't get me wrong, it's a good school. But it isn't a top tier that elicits a big "wow" from people. Or maybe I just feel that way because I'm from Philly and we hate all thing New York. Georgetown, Notre Dame or NYU might have been better choices.

"Harvard? Dartmouth?" Charlie mumbled, unable to conceal his awe. "Well that's pretty…that's something. Yeah, but the University of Alaska…you wouldn't really consider that when you could go Ivy League. Your father would want you to-"

Get a good education? Nah, how ridiculous of you to suggest that. Because…

"Carlisle's always fine with whatever I choose." Edward told him serenely.

Yeah, take that Charlie! You, with your stupid insistence on actually parenting your child and having an opinion on her life! Don't you know that once a person hits eighteen they are suddenly grown up and mature and need no guidance or advice whatsoever?

Why do all teenagers in these books call their parents by their first names? Drives me nuts. 

"I told you about that story in the paper ---there's some kind of gang on a killing spree in Seattle and I want you to steer clear, okay?" 

I rolled my eyes. "Dad, there's a better chance that I'll get struck by lightning than that the one day I'm in Seattle ---"

Yep, Bella has amnesia. Only reason she doesn't remember that when she went to Port Angles she managed to get lost from her group and was nearly gang raped. I mean, come on, Meyer! Stop trying to paint Charlie as a mean, overprotective father who doesn't understand how responsible Bella is. He clearly knows her better than you. 

So, Edward agrees with Charlie and Bella things he's just appeasing him. Because she's forgotten what book she's in.

It worked. Charlie stared at Edward for second more, and then shrugged. "Fine." He stalked off toward the living room, in a bit of a hurry now --- maybe he didn't want to miss tip-off.

Yes, because sports is all that matters to all men but Edward. More important even than their daughter. 

I'm also surprised Bella even knows the term "tip-off." She hates all things athletic. But of course, she must know all. I'm also surprised that Meyer knew that this scene takes place during basketball season. Did she actually do research? Nah, her husband is probably a basketball fan. 

Now Edward makes Bella fill out applications. She obeys like a kicked puppy until she discovers he wants her to apply to Dartmouth. 

"Like I could even get in without some enormous bribe. Or was that part of the loan? The new Cullen wing of the library? Ugh."

Let it be known that Bella's "ugh" is about how she doesn't want to go to Dartmouth, not how underhanded and immoral bribery is. Because, what else is there to do with unlimited amounts of cash other than take spots at great colleges away from deserving kids who actually want to go there and can benefit from the education they will gain at a first tier college?

My mother used to be on the board of a private institution. There were many donators and she was always sure to keep tabs on them, make sure they were happy and see if they could get any more money out of them. This is how all institutions are with donators. The bigger the donation, the more attention the donator receives. Aren't the Cullens trying to lie low? 

It's easy to lie low on a college campus, especially a large one like that of Ivy Leagues. I once dated a guy who went to Penn (premed, too, my mom was so mad at me when I dumped him. Who cares if he was boring as fuck?), I know how big those campuses are. It's easy to sit in the back of a class, keep your head down and turn in your assignments on time and then have no one in your class who would be able to pick you out of a police lineup. 

But if a college gets a huge donation in order to persuade the admissions staff into accepting a girl of no particular interest (like with Edward, Bella's perfect grades don't mean very much to the Ivies) who applied 4+ months late you can be sure as hell they will keep tabs on her and the people who bear the name on the check. Every single teacher would be told to go easy on her while kissing her ass in order to exhort more money out of her; she'd be invited to every big event the school held. It'd be impossible to lie low. 

Meyer likes things that are impressive. Dartmouth is impressive. Bribing Dartmouth to admit you is even more impressive. But impressive is exactly what the Cullens need to avoid. It's like when she said Rosalie went to Columbia Med School and graduated summa cum laude. But after graduation Rosalie didn't go on to an internship at the Mayo Clinic or John Hopkins. In fact, she never ended up practicing medicine at all. Even if we can forget that med students need to trail actual doctors in hospitals and are therefore around blood, it's too hard to swallow that the alumni board never wondered why that gorgeous genius girl they all expected such bright things from fell completely off the radar. 

Oh right, humans are morons. I forgot. Carry on.

"Will you just fill out the application, please, Bella? It won't hurt you to apply." 

My jaw flexed. "You know what? I don't think I will."

Hold up. Did Bella just assert her independence and refuse to comply with something Edward wanted? Wow. I'm sure this will shortly be fucked up.

"What are you doing?" I demanded. 

"I sign your name better than you do yourself. You've already written the essays."

And there it goes. Bella, remember how you scolded Charlie about how he broke the law in opening your mail? Well, bribery and forgery are illegal, too. Even when they are committed by a marble Adonis.

Yeah, you really landed a catch there sweetie. And if it doesn't work out, Bubba at the federal prison thinks you're cute and according to his tattoo he loves his mom. And hookers. 

Because Bella has never worked for anything in her life she doesn't quite understand how skills are gained:

Self-control was apparently an acquired skill.

Apparently? 

But Edward won't quit on the college thing.

"You might enjoy a semester or two of college. There are a lot of human experiences you've never had."

As a girl who has been to more than a few frat parties I can tell you, you haven't lived until you have learned to optimize the use of cleavage in order to win a game of beer pong. And if you do a keg stand in a skirt and wear hooker heels it's physically impossible for you not to wake up next to a stranger (this is how I met the premed). I'll leave it up to you to decide if those were the uniquely human experiences Edward was referring to. 

We talk about how evil the Volturi and Victoria (VV) are. 

Edward was relying on her [Alice's] uncannily accurate visions of the future to give us advanced warning.

Amnesia strikes again. Does no one remember how we met the Volturi in the first place? Because Alice's "uncannily accurate" vision was completely inaccurate and they thought Bella had died? No? Okay then. I'll leave this open and then say "I told you so" in a couple chapters. 

A sharp jolt of unease pierced my stomach as I realized how short the time really was. Of course this change was necessary - and the key to what I wanted more than everything else in the world put together - but I was deeply conscious of Charlie sitting in the other room enjoying his game, just like every other night. And my mother, Renée, far away in sunny Florida, still pleading with me to spend the summer on the beach with her and her new husband. And Jacob, who, unlike my parents, would know exactly what was going on when I disappeared to some distant school. Even if my parents didn't grow suspicious for a long time, even if I could put off visits with excuses about travel expenses or study loads or illnesses, Jacob would know the truth.

 Bella is worried more about being found out then never seeing her so-called loved ones ever again. Such a gem, this girl.

Bella is shocked to discover that the mysterious deaths are the work of vampires. Because she is new. 

"You'd be surprised, Bella, at how often my kind are the source behind the horrors in your human news."

OMG!!!! Edward was on the grassy knoll

"We've been monitoring the situation for a few weeks. All the signs are there - the unlikely disappearances, always in the night, the poorly disposed-of corpses, the lack of other evidence. . . . Yes, someone brand-new. And no one seems to be taking responsibility for the neophyte. . . ." 

He took a deep breath. "Well, it's not our problem. We wouldn't even pay attention to the situation if wasn't going on so close to home."

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! Five people are dead and the only reason they care is because they might be implicated for it.

I know that if I were a police officer investigating mysterious deaths the first people I'd talk to would be that odd pale family in that teeny town a three and a half hour drive away. You know, the family that hasn't been to Seattle in months? Yeah, them. They seem suspicious. I mean, they are just too pretty!

You know how often times when you are watching a news story and they tell you 400 people were killed in an earthquake? And you think "how horrible," but after you turn off the news and go to bed you stop thinking of them? You go back to your life, because there's nothing you can do. Except maybe donate some money before going on with your life. Within a few months it's easy to forget about the tragedy. You're too busy with work or school or family to worry about all those nameless, faceless people who lost their lives and the loved ones they left behind. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, tragedies happen a lot and we can't live our lives mired in grief. 

But the difference between us and the Cullens is that they can do something about it. They can kill those vampires and save countless lives. But they don't. Meyer has said that she's "anti-human" and it's passages like this that prove it. 

And who the fuck actually uses the word "neophyte" in casual conversation? In fact, I think anyone who used that word in any conversation would instantly be labeled a pretentious douche.

Meyer, you need to lay off the thesaurus. 

I laughed a shaky laugh and knocked the paper off the table so I wouldn't have to see those names; it hit the linoleum with a thud. Of course Edward would consider the hunting possibilities. He and his "vegetarian" family - all committed to protecting human life - preferred the flavor of large predators for satisfying their dietary needs. 

"Alaska, then, as planned. Only somewhere much more remote than Juneau - somewhere with grizzlies galore." 

"Better," he allowed. "There are polar bears, too. Very fierce. And the wolves get quite large."

I know, we are supposed to go "oh noes! Eddie wants to eat Jacob!" But I'm more concerned about him wanting to eat polar bears. Polar bears are listed as "vulnerable." This means that while they are not endangered yet, unless conditions improve they soon will be. Alaska also has moose which can grow to over 1500 pounds, about the same as polar bears and a hell of a lot more than even a very large wolf. But moose (mooses? Meese?) are not predators, so they are boring to eat and ruining an entire ecosystem is worth it so long as Edward isn't bored. I mean, if he's willing to go to high school than he should at least be able to chill out by endangering an essential part of Alaska's ecosystem. 

They talk about Jacob, I am bored. Bella tells Edward that she doesn't have a photographic memory like him. This makes me wish I had a photographic memory so I could remember when we learned that Edward had a photographic memory. 

"Photographic memory or not, I don't understand why you like it [Wuthering Heights]."

Because reading classics makes Bella seem intelligent despite her actions betraying that she is dumb as a bag of hair.

"The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others' lives. I don't know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isn't a love story, it's a hate story."

Crap, I hate it when I agree with Edward. Wuthering Heights is a hate story, or more accurately it's a story about the tolls of obsessive love. However, I disagree with Edward (thank god) that this makes it a bad book. WH is a good book because it's a "hate story." Not all great couples have to be couples that work. Just because the romance isn't of the rainbows, butterflies and missionary variety, even if it's not really love at all, doesn't mean the book is bad.

"I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality"

This passage is a favorite of the antis because it so perfectly describes Twilight. But Meyer lacks the self-awareness to realize it. 

"I think that may be the point," I disagreed. "Their love is their only redeeming quality."

No. No, no, no. God, just: NO! Loving someone does not redeem them from their actions. If it did there would be no such thing as abuse. Hasn't Meyer ever heard of the cycle of abuse? After an abuser lashes out in a particularly dramatic way and he realizes that he's crossed a line the couple will often enter what's called the honeymoon period. He feels awful. He tells her he's so sorry and he'll never do it again. He loves her and it would kill him if he left her. He showers her with gifts and praise and she succumbs and forgives him. Things go well for awhile until the abuse starts up again, escalates and explodes, thus starting the entire cycle all over again.

However, the truly sick thing is that many abusers do actually love the person they are abusing. But does that excuse them when they are beating the crap out of their significant other? According to Meyer it does. This is why these books make me feel so fucking sick. 

"I hope you have better sense than that - to fall in love with someone so . . . malignant."

Too late. Bella's a freaking twit with zero common sense. 

"Well, I hope you're smart enough to stay away from someone so selfish"

Too late again. Edward is a twit as well. That's why these two deserve each other. 

"Catherine is really the source of all the trouble, not Heathcliff."

No, no she's not. Stop victim blaming. She didn't make Heathcliff do any of the horrible things he did. She didn't hold a gun to his head and tell him that she'd shoot him unless he hung Isabella's puppy from the rafters. That was all Heathcliff's doing.

Edward heard my heart accelerate

There was a point in Twilight where Bella was talking to James on the phone and Alice and Jasper couldn't hear him. And yet Edward can hear her heart beat. Meyer is clearly allergic to consistency. 

"Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes, they get killed."

Amnesia really is running rampant in this chapter. Edward and Bella have both forgotten her eighteenth birthday when, because of an unstable vampire, she got hurt and nearly killed. And yet Eddie has no problems with her hanging out with Jasper who has already proven himself incapable of resisting temptation. 

"I know them better than you think, Bella. I was here the last time." 

"The last time?" 

"We started crossing paths with the wolves about seventy years ago. . . . We had just settled near Hoquiam. That was before Alice and Jasper were with us. We outnumbered them, but that wouldn't have stopped it from turning into a fight if not for Carlisle. He managed to convince Ephraim Black that coexisting was possible, and eventually we made the truce."

Wow, Bella's amnesia is really bad. Bella is straight out told in Twilight that Ephraim Black had been there the last time Edward and Co. were there and that's when the treaty came about. I can't find the exact quote because I don't have the book but it's in the chapter "Scary Stories" I believe. Anyone who can find it gets a lollipop. 

He broke off and stared at me accusingly.

Holy shit, we're gonna get some serious victim blaming here, aren't we?

"Your bad luck seems to get more potent every day. Do you realize that your insatiable pull for all things deadly was strong enough to recover a pack of mutant canines from extinction? If we could bottle your luck, we'd have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands."

Yes, it is Bella that brought the wolves back. Little Bella who has nothing special in her genes. How did these super smart marble gods not put two and two together? There were wolves when they were in Forks before. They left and there were no wolves. They came back and the wolves did too. Hmmm, what could that mean? 

"Edward, look at the facts. Seventy years ago, you came here, and the werewolves showed up. You come back now, and the werewolves show up again. Do you think that's a coincidence?"

God, I hate it when I feel the same way as Bella. It's really disconcerting. 

I knew I must be patient with Edward.

No, you don't. He's controlling you and that is not okay.

It wasn't that he was unreasonable

Yes, it is. He is being completely unreasonable because he has no problem with Bella, clumsy helpless little Bella, hanging out with Jasper. Bella can't even walk outdoors without scratching up her hands from falling. And Jasper goes into a bloodlust whenever he is exposed to human blood. 

"Please just listen for a minute. This is so much more important than some whim to drop in on an old friend. Jacob is in pain." My voice distorted around the word.

Which word? Friend? Old? Pain? Jacob?

Well, he was there for me when I was . . . not so human myself. 

Yes, according to Bella people who are severely depressed or hear voices are less than human. Fuck you, Meyer. 

"If Jacob hadn't helped me . . . I'm not sure what you would have come home to.

Translation: I would have committed suicide because my boyfriend dumped me. 

"You were just trying to do the right thing. And I'm sure it would have worked with anyone less mental than me."

Wow, just wow. True if less mental=independent entity with a life outside one's boyfriend of six months, but still, wow. That's some serious victim blaming there. 

Next they literally get into an argument over who loves who more. 

"I know how much I love you," I answered."You compare one small tree to the entire forest."

Wow, condescending much. And for the second time in this chapter sporking I feel the need to quote The Princess Bride.

"Do you love me, Westley? Is that it?" 

He couldn't believe it. "Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches! If your love were-" 

"I don't understand that first one yet," Buttercup interrupted. She was starting to get very excited now. "Let me get this straight. Are you saying my love is a grain of sand and yours is this other thing? Images confuse me so- is this universal business of yours bigger than my sand? Help me, Westley. I have the feeling we're on the verge of something just terribly important."

And on that much better note we are done with chapter one. I'll get chapter two up as soon as my brain feels ready to tolerate more of this crap.